The Norispurs Redemption

Ending Credits

2006-10-17T01:06:00.000+08:00

Sadly, the show has come to an end.

I thank all those who have read my entries from time to time, though I know there weren't many happy ones to lift your spirits.

I have decided to put an ellipsis on this chapter of my life. Henceforth, I will not update this blog anymore. For those who'd like to know my new blog address, do drop me a line, and I might let you into my new world. For one, I know it's never going to be the same. For better or for worse, only time will tell.

Norispurs - not yet redeemed.

Adieu.

Living in the past...

2006-09-27T22:18:00.000+08:00

Contrary to what I had imagined, I am still hung up over it.

Memories, emotions, feelings both sweet and bitter, all came flooding back in that instant.

I knew then, that I have failed to get on with my life...

Damn.

An unlikely gratification

2006-09-25T00:03:00.000+08:00

Escapism. It's the easy way out for all cowards in life.

Rationalisation. You just convince yourself of a fact that never bore an ounce of truth.

Degradation. When the going gets tough, the tough gets you and you fall into the depths of despair.

Solitude. Someday, you wake up, only to find that singularity is all there ever was.

I'm just moving on... Back to square one...

Question Mark

2006-09-21T23:31:00.000+08:00

There are many things I'd like answers to. Big question marks all around me, and everything I see or feel is filled with uncertainty and a truckload of questions. At times, I don't even think I know what my general direction is; I'm just heading in a spiral, going round and round and round, with no impending destination...

Damn these silly thoughts. I should shrug all of them away, and pay no more attention to such idiosyncrasies anymore. They are harmful to my well-being. Indulging in endless waves of dreams and fantasies, that in reality, will never happen, is detrimental to my mental health. Not to mention the disastrous effects on my emotional and physical state of mind. What utter nonsense and pure crap...

These question marks will be here to stay, as long as I am still waddling in these murky waters of desolation. Until I do find the courage to take the first step out, gratification will forever elude my needy embrace.

All I need is a sign. Any sign. Just a sign to give me a push, and motivate me to make the first move.

I am no religious zealot, but I do believe in karma, and what goes around comes around. I really hope that I've paid my dues, and that Retribution is finally satisfied with the torment on my moral degeneration and self-destruction which I have deservedly endured.

Hear my call...

Irrational Rationalisation

2006-09-10T23:30:00.000+08:00

Always thinking about it... The whole damn shitty affair...

It saddens me to realise that I am still hung up over it. And the truth hurts all the same; no more, no less. With each passing day, I have slowly come to accept it, and made my peace with the situation. But deep inside my ailing heart, I am fully aware of my own failings... That I'd still love to take another chance, give it one more shot, should the opportunity arise.

Life goes on, but life is so fucked up. Poor academic qualifications, poor job start, poor financial security, and a screwed up relationship to top it all. There's little joy in life, apart from having a few great friends, and a bunch of warm, friendly and supporting colleagues.

I derive little pleasure from whatever consolation that is presented before me. Life is such a unfulfilling journey... Life is a bitch; what a fucked up bitch... Damn.

"It's always been you, Rach..." - Ross (Friends)

What hurts the most...

2006-09-03T14:57:00.000+08:00

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

Me? I say just fuck it... It's a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter; it's moo...

Fuck.

Questions

2006-09-03T01:37:00.000+08:00

Just what am I doing now? It's something I've been trying hard to answer myself. Nothing I do seems to make particular sense at all. The emptiness, I know I am not lacking. But the fun, I seem to have it all in abundance, lavishing in excellent company and experiencing joy like never before...

It's true, I'm totally out of control - I need to sort my life out. Am I going to go down that path again; the path trodden before, one that led me to nowhere. I dare not harbour any expectations, yet the heart is probably eager to just grab at any sign of hope. "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies". This line from "The Shawshank Redemption" aptly describes why I should look towards hope for my redemption. But yet I know that hope can oftentimes forsake you, and be like the whore Fortune is commonly known for. One moment it smiles at you and lifts you up to seventh heaven, the next instant, it crudely deals a death blow which sends your whole world crumbling down, leaving you to suffer your untimely destruction.

Hope. I will keep that on hold. Take it with a pinch of salt, as I have plenty of reservations on placing all my faith on something that is so intangible, highly erratic, and never trustworthy. Hope, like Fortune, was never Man's best friend. Yet, it does provide us with some sort of salvation. Someday...

It sucks to hate someone; to have utter abhorrence for that individual. I know I can never fully bring myself to despise a person, yet the things that have come to pass, despite all my willingness to salvage the situation, has only further fuelled the hate. Now, I have already dished out the verdict, so let it be. I'm done with everything and there's finally closure now... Although I know I'll probably regret it for the rest of my life...

An emotional outpouring

2006-08-30T00:26:00.000+08:00

Release is never possible. How can one ever escape the clutches of despair? The nights are never kind to a soul so very afflicted by the perils of war and pain. You toss and turn, you feel the fear and taste the blood. The incessant knocking on your door keeps you clutching your blanket for protection so worthless, that even rodents won't copulate in. You live in medieval times, and liberation was not once in sight.

There are scum in society; downright despicable, loathesome beings that deserve nothing but an eternity of purgatory. Redemption lies not in making up for what they have sinned, but in believing that they have indeed sinned. That self-rationalisation should propel one towards salvation in morality, through sheer faith and fervour - is this too much of an utopia?

Where then, do the transgressors lie? The rejects of society, the outcasts of modern city people. The line is but thin air, a perfectly transparent pane of glass that not even the shrewdest human instinct can perceive. And crossing the line is as simple as taking a breath, like how we do countless times a day, out of mere necessity. Oftentimes, we haven't even the slightest inkling that we've edged in excess, and the price of ignorance is an avalanche of disasters come parking at your doorway.

I'm not here to preach philosophy, nor to give my pessimistic view of life in summary. It's the truth as I see it, and will ever believe in, at least for the time being. My resolve has been shaken, and until I seek a new revelation, the will has forsaken me; I had taken a plunge into the depths of Hell. But what is Hell to one, may not be Hell to another. I can't say for sure that the mental state of mind is ever going to be stable anymore. Humour as a defence mechanism. Work as a distraction. Friends as a means of getting by. All these seem so superficial.

I vividly remember a line from the sitcom "Friends", when Phoebe was lecturing Joey after he stood her up for dinner over a girl he just met. She remarked, "Boyfriends and girlfriends will come and go, but this (pointing to Joey and herself in a back and forth manner), is for life". I used to think that it was so true. Well, to a certain extent, I still do. But somethings change, and perceptions change along with the maturing (or sometimes, degeneration) of the human mind. Friends do come and go too. And when they go, who says it'll always end in peace and harmony?

There's no truth in lies; it is so blatantly obvious. But we all like to live a lie, and enjoy whatever short term happiness at the expense of an era of pain to come. Let this be a lesson to all of us; to me, in particular, as I ponder over the degrading behaviour and irresponsible life that I now lead. I couldn't give 2 hoots about many things in life now. And it is just such nonchalant disregard for everything that will lead me to my very doom.

"This parachute is a knapsack!" - Chandler Bing

Lingering emptiness

2006-08-24T23:57:00.000+08:00

Life has yet to have meaning. The only fulfilment I feel is when I am busy working. Once the day ends after work, contentment fades to disillusionment and abandonment. I wish I could work everyday; there's meaning in life, doing something all the time. Immersing yourself in endless tasks and jobs that not only take away all your time, but drains also your energy and vitality. The need for mental alertness, as well as physical competencies provides the best avenue for repression release.

Seniors keep telling me to cherish the time now and go home early while I can... I appear to nod in agreement most of the time. Well, I don't really care for the overtime allowances and off-in-lieus earned. Just give me jobs and get me working. That, to me, is life now. And not simply just knocking off at 5.30pm, and happily going home. Because, there is no joy in ending work on time. Only apprenhension for the next few hours.

I thought auditors are busy people. Doesn't seem the case to me. Give me more of a challenge. I don't need my weekends. They suck anyway. I don't need my nights. There's nothing to do at all. So just pile me up with whatever work you have, and I'll gladly do it.

Call me a workaholic. But I don't know what I am working for. Maybe one day, when fatigue finally takes its toil, I'll pass on peacefully...

Estranged

2006-08-20T23:48:00.000+08:00

Had a rough time recently... Many things were just not to be. Time spent on some stuff just wasn't worth it. It's not what it seems here, but it's all relative.

I'm tired and very sick of many things. Life has nothing worth rejoicing over. Take today for instance, I couldn't even run a 10km New Balance Real Run with ease. And it's only freaking 10km. Passion lost, will felled, determination wavered. The fighting spirit is just not there anymore. And with the loss of a close one, even the most sumptuous feast tastes bland...

Pardon my previous uncouth outburst... But I really think there's no one worth trusting and being nice to in this world anymore. Being a nice guy is just simply not worth it at all...

Burn in hell

2006-08-11T23:40:00.000+08:00

There's no merit in being nice. Fuck Mr Nice Guy. He's dead. He's never coming back. Fuck all of you all. Burn in hell with me. We are all doomed to purgatory. So fuck it. I am never gonna let all you assholes, bastards and bitches take me for granted anymore. Fuck all of you all.

Fuck You.

Be with me

2006-07-24T00:58:00.000+08:00

I'd like to think that humans are a contented species, but of course, there's always more than meets the eye. Give them an inch, they desire a foot. Typical human nature.

But if you ever watched a locally produced movie, directed by Eric Khoo, titled "Be With Me', I guess you'd feel otherwise. It all boils down to a single word - Love. Nothing more, nothing less... Just Love in its purest form.

Be with me...

Every dog has his day

2006-07-22T16:25:00.000+08:00

Who am I kidding, really? I do wanna see her... It's the truth all along, and I know it.

No no, repress it! You know you should. Repression is the answer to all sorrows.

I need a release. But goddamn... Everyone is busy... I only have my own fuckin self to accompany me... Poetic, eh... Savvy?

But every dog has his day.

Confused

2006-07-22T02:12:00.000+08:00

...with indescribable feelings of passion and sorrow. It's little wonder that I know not what I should do. Shutting someone out of one's life permanently won't do both parties good, that's for sure. At the very most, the afflictor loses a friend. The afflicted, well... we shan't go into details (because we don't really know, do we?).

Just some food for thought, really...

On a lighter note, my post wisdom tooth extraction recovery seems to be doing well. Guess the swelling went down a bit today. Some consolation here... Hurray...

Convocation up next Tuesday. Having mixed feelings. Definitely not looking forward to it. Convocation Ball next Saturday. Save me... Haha... But of course, I would want the person in question to go. Not turning up is simply an insult to me, I'd feel. And I will feel it. To make things less awkward, I guess I'll just keep myself scarce. Anyway, there should be some mingling for me around the other tables anyway...

No great loss

2006-07-15T21:58:00.000+08:00

To lose the urge to pen down our thoughts is one thing; I have been blowing hot and cold over my blog in the recents months anyway. But to lose the need to let your emotions out is another concern. It seems that the feeling of dread and sorrow is finally sinking in, bit by bit. I believe that one fine day, it will be fully repressed into another part of my psyche, or what some may term as the little black box within.

Sadly, I feel little worth in sharing or confiding. Besides, most of you guys are in Bliss World, happily spending time with your loved ones. Oh, and boy am I envious. Jealous would be a stronger word. How conveniently so. But beggars can't be choosers. The penniless can only watch on with deep longing as the rich work on their fine dinners...

I must be rambling on and on again... Pardon me, but I do that from time to time. It's been pretty rough on the whole during these few months,so do allow a distraught guy his indulgences occasionally, won't you, dear reader? Retracing back, perhaps it's the result of locking myself indoors most of the time. I don't see the point in going out, since there's literally no one to go out with, especially when no one asks me out. I reckon that I am not so thick skinned as to ask people out whenever I am feeling down or shitty. I feel that it make me plain loserish. But unfortunately, I've been doing that of late. Asking people, or should I say, friends out, just so I could have some company and keep my irrational mind off things. Pretty damn sad. Appears that the only loser is me after all...

So now perhaps is the time to really count my friends. Maybe I don't have that many after all. It's fuckin' depressing to come to terms with this, I suppose.

I guess it's time to make new friends. Our country sucks anyway, and so does N*TU. I blame this goddamn junkhole of a country. It can burn in hell for all I care. To me, the world is a fuckin' graveyard. Might as well have a apocalypse and bring us into a 21st century Armageddon. Like what a particular line in "The Stand" by Stephen King so aptly describes:

No Great Loss...

Oh ya, before I forget. Forza Italia~
Only pity is that Juventus got relegated. Asshole Moggi was the damn culprit. Now Inter Milan will gloat, and so will the other big clubs. What a crappy world...

Solitary Confinement

2006-07-08T16:29:00.000+08:00

So nice to see people dropping by here... Thanks all~

Well, it's been a week of home for me. Haven't stepped out of my house since going to Muddy Murphy's Irish Bar last Saturday night to catch the England-Portugal quarter-finals. Hmmm, I did go out for about an hour or so for a haircut 2 nights ago, but that was about it...

Seems pretty sad eh... There's like no one to go out with I guess... Also, I guess I wasn't really in the "go out and face the world" mode... And I am plagued by this damn toothache recently. Wondering if it's caused by my wisdom tooth. Goddamn toothache. I can't even eat much, although there isn't much of an appetite to begin with... Haha...

Good thing that happened this week - Italy kicking Germany's asses out of the World Cup finals. Though I'd love to see Portugal appearing in the finals, but I guess the French deserved their win, albeit a boring match. Sometimes, luck plays a huge part too, and Les Bleus were damn farking lucky... Guess if they play the way they played against Portugal, and Italy played the way they did when facing Germany, I say the Azzuri win hands down. So yeah, Forza Italia~!!!

Seriously bored. Been playing a lot of Football Manager, and getting relentlessly pissed at the game at times. What a bummer. Been reading too; the 1400 odd page novel by Stephen King is one helluva Herculean task. It's not as if I've not read long novels before, but I find it harder to concentrate now, with so many things still on my mind. But I guess, so far so good. It's almost 300 pages now. A little goes a long way...

Wonder if it'll be another week at home next week again...

Walkout

2006-06-30T02:53:00.000+08:00

I feel terrible now, after that fatal conversation... If you even term that as a conversation...

There was that bout of nausea, the tears that won't flow, the pain that won't ebb, the heart that stopped beating...

As cruel as it seemed, I had finally signed my own death warrant, and resigned to fate. After months of fighting, the cancer gained the advantage and consumed the whole body. I was weak in the face of such adversity, such horror. To my dismay, I was plunging deeper and deeper into the depths of despair... The well is dreadfully hollow, and I see myself, clawing my way out, inch by inch, tearing and blistering my hands and nails on the merciless cruel rock wall...

With pain comes release...

But release into what? I really don't know.

The future seems so bleak now... I don't even see myself anymore...

Friends, if I have any now... Hear my call...

Such audacity...

2006-06-29T19:23:00.000+08:00

...and they had the cheek to call and ask if I wanted to donate. Crazy assholes.

Screwed my education, flunked my degree, and still dared to call and expect me to donate money? It's like giving tips for bad service... No one in the right mind would do that. I would have yelled "F**k off" if not for my forbearance. Expect no favours from me, definitely.

N*TU has become a place that I hate, and will abhor many years down the road. There is nothing left there for me to reminisce, nor look back upon. The last few months spent in campus has done nothing to alleviate nor relieve the dislike and angst bulit up since. It's one helluva roller-coaster ride.

As for my beloved Hall, well... To that I bear no grudge or whatsoever... But the fond memories are slowly being eradicated from my mind. And all that finally remains, would be that of sadness, pain and sorrow...

Errr... Have you received the red booklet on graduation giving?
Ya
Would you like to make a donation?
No

Simple as that...

Garden State... I'm in it...

2006-06-10T00:16:00.000+08:00

I haven't felt this way for a very long time. "Garden State" was a show that somehow touched my life. There are really few movies around that make me few this way. I can't describe the feeling I had right after the show. All I felt within me, was that I seemed to be ok, and everything was the way it should be. I experienced calm and a whole new serenity within myself, and for a moment, all the crazy little demons were gone...

Yes, I know. You don't get that from just watching a movie. You watch, and you feel for it. Emotions are stirred, and it gets your head thinking. Granted, I may have felt gratification for just that few minutes when the show ended, but then again, the feeling was indescribable. Perhaps, in a way, I drew a parallel with myself to the protagonist in the show. Definitely in no way similar, but sometimes, you just identify yourself with someone, regardless whether he or she is fictional or real-life. And you see it as a sort of mini utopia, but in reality, almost non-existent.

I wanna find my infinite abyss. I wanna put an ellipsis to my current life. Perhaps the ellipsis is already there, but I am still desperately trying to fill that void. Maybe "Garden State" has taught me to respect that ellipsis, and take a step back. I don't know. The context is definitely different, but it did strike a cord in me. Somehow, I need to figure this out...

I am putting an ellipsis on it... Because, I am in my own... Garden State...

Roundabout

2006-05-29T01:10:00.000+08:00

Hadn't enjoyed the HK trip as I hoped I would. Don't get me wrong - my cousin and I have been best buds since young, and still are, so if there's anyone I'd like to go on a holiday with, he'd be on the top of my list. Well, it's just that there were many things on my mind, and thus I moved around the bustling streets of Mong Kok and Tsim Sha Tsui with a dreary heart.

The nights were the worst. Flashbacks of seemingly inconsequential happenings flood my mind, and I can't seem to erase them from my memory, not even temporarily. An evil deed will not go unpunished; good begets good, evil begets evil. You reap what you sow. And I will remember that... It's not just pure bad Karma on my part; there's sin to reckon with as well.

Someone was sorely missed during my stay in HK. But I know it was only a one-sided, self-deceiving affair. SMSes sent, but the reply rate was probably 1:2. I don't blame the other party. I can only rue the day that I failed to make ends meet. It was all lost when I was found guilty of many errors, but repentance was too late. The scar was just too deep to be fully healed. And for me, the damage, irrepairable.

I pondered much over the fact that a local calling card, such as a prepaid card bought in HK could be used to call Singapore from HK. I tried that once, and called the sorely missed once. Then it hit me that, when that someone was in the same place previously a week ago, no attempt was made to contact me, even when such a prepaid card was in possession. The ironic thing was that, I was given the same prepaid card that was used back then by that someone, which had a considerable value left. So I went on to think, why then, would that someone not bother contacting me? And then there were tonnes of other incoherent thoughts in my mind. And the more I thought about it, the more weary I became.

It wasn't a holiday at all... For my soul, at least...

Incoherent thoughts

2006-05-04T04:18:00.000+08:00

In a way, I don't want my university life to end. True, the exams and projects and all really suck. I especially hate studying for exams. Somehow, I can no longer get down to studying like how I did in the past. The concentration level is simply not there anymore. It probably explains my abysmal results for the past 2 1/2 years. I've been seeing C's all the time, and I wonder if I was really that good after all? Or it could be just that I was simply better as a kid... Haha...

Jokes aside. I hate leaving university. That means the start of a new phase in life, but by no means an exciting one. I haven't heard from anyone the fun and joy they've experienced as an auditor - at least not for the first few years. Why so? Well, the reason is simply you slog like a cow during your initial years as a greenhorn, and the words "holiday" and "break" will seem so alien to you. Sigh...

Can't believe I am saying this, but I don't really want this final exam to end. 10 May is the date of my last paper. And that marks the date of me leaving my beloved Hall 9, the hall I once loved so much; the friendships I have forged, the people from all walks of life I have met, all means so much to me. The atmosphere of community living, that was once so vibrant and sweet, has all but remained during the last year of my stay. And to make matters worse, I have lost the one hope that had made me smile for those few joyous months in my life.

I don't want this exams to end. Because I know, once I move back home for good, it all ends. Time spent together will be no more. I dread the reckoning of that day, and do not wish to even consider the ramifications. It is all fear, sweat and panic right now. What's more, my preoccupied mind hinders my examination preparation, and I am so screwed at this moment...

Praying for a miracle...

And salvation...

Words

2006-04-12T19:34:00.000+08:00

I've nothing much to say anymore... Weird eh... I've always got something to write about. Writing never seemed to pose a problem in my work, daily routine, or even leisure. Funny, now that I am starting to lose faith in a skill I once possessed. Haha...

Life's ever more mundane, unless you deem struggling for quizzes and incomprehensible modules a walk in the park. My final semester sucks - period. What's more, my hall life will end prematurely come this May, thanks to an upgrading effort on Blk 45. Why now? Why this year? When it's my final semester and I wanna stay longer in hall with my buddies, my pals? Sigh... Guess it'll never happen. May 15, and it's the end of hall-living for me...

Taking a step and a time now. 4 more weeks... NTU will become an unfamiliar name to me after that. Only fond memories will have a place in my heart, as I push away all the pain and sorrows that I would like to forget. The bitterness is gone now, I guess... But something still clings on, and I am starting to forget what it is...

Emptiness

2006-03-23T04:18:00.000+08:00

I guess every good thing comes to an end someday. My time with her has ended, and so it's my turn to let go. Keeping someone against her wishes will never bring true happiness... So what if it's agony for me? Nothing I do can change her mind, her resolve, and much less bring back her lost feelings... It seems the only gentlemanly thing to do, is to let go...

Something tells me I will crumble, and I will be down and out... But maybe it's just a passing phase, and if I work hard enough, I might just crawl back up. It's going to be a tough journey, rough times, painful memories, especially so with nothing to spur me on. Life has got to have a meaning, a direction... Right now, I have lost that meaning, that hope and goal in life... If it's anything, it'll be just living for the sake of living... Cowards are born of Man, and I think I am one right now... God knows when I will ever be my old self again?

Pain is temporary, but glory is eternal... It seems a very enticing thought to hold on to. But this pain, it doesn't seem to relinquish its grasp; rather, it pervades my whole being and threatens to overwhelm me. How am I to battle this adversity on my own? Maybe this is as low in my life as I can get. When I fell, I fell real hard, and the blow is too much for me to take. It could have crippled a part of me, took away my resolve and strength, sapped my energy and drained my vitality... It's as bad as it can get...

But baby here I am
banging on your front door
my pride spilled on the floor
my hands and knees are bruised
and I'm crawling back to you
Begging for a second chance
are you gonna let me in
I was running from the truth
and I'm crawling back to you...

Grief

2006-03-10T22:43:00.000+08:00

Everyday just whizzes by, and I am still the same... Mundane activities, aimless routines, what more could I hope for? I do up my FYP - at least it keeps me sane... Diverts my preoccupied mind with things I couldn't care less, but ties me down through an obligation. I feel only bare responsibilty to discharge my duties, and hell I would do my part, to the best of my abilities.

I dread the approach of the due date, 24 Mar, not because I have only 2 weeks left to finish it up, but because I wouldn't know what to do when the final report is submitted. I blanch at the thought of having no immediate goals to see to, with no one to share my heart with... And is it but an early indication of a solitary life I am about to see myself embark on? I daren't think of it anymore...

I don't think anyone can ever empathise with me, nor will they ever understand the depths of my sorrow. I see no need in sharing my grief at times. Will talking to someone solve the problem? Would it even help in changing a person's decision, a person's feelings, a person's resolve? It's a pity that the final semester of my university life has to end this way. Being relegated to a state of self-pity and desolation, I am slowly severing all ties from those around me...

Thoughts in disconcert

2006-03-10T00:18:00.000+08:00

Plagued with a confused mind, my heart wanders in the netherworld of pain and misery... What is left of me physically, I can barely call it mine; the remnants of my mental physique, have almost deserted my existential being. There are times when I cry out loud within myself, for fear of letting anyone hear my anguish. But many a time I lock myself away from communication, shutting out any possible interaction, while languishing in self-despair...

Time has flown past, friends have come and gone... Relationship after relationship, and what is left is but a painful realisation of reaping what I have sowed. I have had a taste of my own medicine, and it is bitter... I guess when it's payback time, for all the sins you have committed in the past, the blow comes a million times harder and harsher than you would ever expect.

So smite me one last time in my darkest hour, and I'll fall into the depths of oblivion, never to rise anymore...

Sleepless Nights

2006-03-08T06:29:00.000+08:00

Wide awake and can't get to sleep... Pondering over many things with a dreary heart... Looking at the time - it says 6.31am on my laptop's clock...

What's there for me on the day ahead of me? I don't really know... Blindly rushing my FYP... Doing work to escape from myself... Sometimes there's a limit to how much you can put aside and divert your attention to something else. But there are times like these when they hit you really hard, bringing you back to reality with a harsh awakening...

I guess I'll probably try to get some sleep. It's so hard facing the cold lonely bed in my room...

Resignation...

2006-03-02T02:23:00.000+08:00

The fifth time... And I still badly want it back... I see it again, as a mistake on my part, a fault which I have to correct to become a better person. Why so? Because I want to, and I know it's for the better.

I always blame myself for every encounter. And I desperately want to set things right.

I got angry, yes, furious each time it happened. When all my efforts were flushed down the drain despite hard work and a passion to change, all because of a particular trait that could not be condoned. Granted, it is of course, undesirable, and totally wrong for me to exhibit such behaviour; but hell, everyone is allowed some mistakes. We are not God. To err is human; people all have flaws. I guess it's just too hard for some people to see beyond the flaws, and accept them for who they are, much less treasure and embrace them for their good qualities.

What happened exactly 2 weeks ago, that fateful night, a normal person would probably blow up and demand nothing short of a thorough explanation and apologies. Well, apologies would do squat, since the intent was already there when the incident happened. I mean, how many people can actually take such a humiliation under their noses? Which right minded guy would leave it be, and instead, beg for forgiveness, asking for another chance? The wrongdoer became the victim instead, and the truly afflicted person, had to swallow his pride, play down the misdeed, and go on his knees, while praying for redemption.

5 times I have endured this, and yet, I still hope it would resolve. I believe most would call me foolish... Hell, I have called myself foolish. But I hang on, nevertheless, because I am sure of my heart and its ultimate direction.

I have been relegated to a state of insecurity, withdrawn from the world, hopelessly wallowing in utter denial. I look back on it, and all I feel is a pang of sorrow, shame, guilt, anger, dread, and pain wrenching through my heart. Melancholy pervades my whole being, and I see no joy nor bliss in the time to come. Life seems mundane, routine appears unnecessary.

I have already relinquished much in my life...

Sulky

2006-02-28T15:32:00.000+08:00

Abel said my blog was depressing... Oh well... My life is depressing, so what to expect of a blog belonging to a depressed guy? Well, I wish I could blog about happy stuff, but most of the time, all I have are sad melancholic thoughts. Not to mention an acute sense of apprehension and doubt.

Metamorphosis maybe... For sure, gone is the old me... So yeah, don't expect too much out of me, my friends. Maybe it may take time to get used to the new guy...

On a sidenote, sometimes I wish I could be at the receiving end of some affection. Some time off from mundane routine activties would suffice. It's probably all I ask for, and hope to get. For me, I really enjoy giving. It makes me happy, that I could be the reason for a person's smile and contentment, even if it's momentary. But it'll be really nice to get a little reciprocation in return... Guess it's the simple little things that truely matter...

Oh, to be myself again!

I say...

2006-02-17T22:33:00.000+08:00

I am still trying to grasp with reality... Sometimes, the line is so thin, that you can barely draw the line... I am desperately looking for that hope to cling to, but it is submerged in a sea of thorns... Ouch...

It's so close, yet so distant... What is currently being shared is simply inexplicable; even my heart knows not the answer... If only it could revert to the same old past, where things were much simpler, yet happier... I would give anything for that moment of bliss to surface once again; but this time, I would like it to stay...

To think that I had high hopes for 2006. The first 1 1/2 months had been abysmal... CNY turned out to be a calamity, V'day was a disaster... I don't know what lies ahead... Schoolwork is not helping either, especially with the absurd amounts of assignments piling up.

Emotional distress is not what I am looking for now... I already have enough problems on hand...

It's not just what you see...

Awakening

2006-02-15T11:31:00.000+08:00

Suddenly, I jolt out of my dream, and the weight of reality crashes down upon me...

Somebody shoot me, please...

The end of a chapter

2006-02-05T16:13:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, 4 Feb 2006, probably marked the end of my running career... My last ever Road Relay in IHG; for 3 years I have been running for the event. The passion and drive never seeming to fade away... Despite my lack of training for this season, I still held much fervour and faith for the event, and never gave up my desire for running.

Looking back on the years in which I have ran in events competitively - starting all the way back in JC 1, year 1999 till JC2 in year 2000. My NS days saw a temporary disruption to my running stint, but its revival came when I entered NTU Hall 9. And from then on, it was all about running for the Hall, the spirit, the passion...

I had hoped to end my running career with a bang, by finally winning a gold medal in the Road Relay. We had a splendid team, one that we deserve to be proud of. We were a force to be reckoned with, and sure had our fair claim to victory. But the fact that you can, and do lose, is something that we cannot prevent. As much as we can cook up thousands of excuses to make us feel better, but in the end, the truth still holds. That the Gold medal slipped away from our hands. As much as I am sore and disappointed with my performance (clocked a timing of 7min30sec... =( slowest in my 3 years)and the sad reality of not winning the race, there is nothing much I can do about it. Rather, I guess a consolation would be to savour our time spent training together, and facing the challenge as a team. Winning is not everything; the friendship and experience gained are those that really matter.

So I believe I should be satisfied, and happy, that I was part of a winning team. In our eyes, we will always be winners. Our very own winners...

Trials and Tribulations

2006-02-03T00:40:00.000+08:00

It's been a trying week... Lots of ups and downs, and at times, I seemed not to come to terms with myself. One moment, I was high and energetic, the willingness to take on any challenge driving on the spur within me. The next instant, my motivation level forsakes me, leaving me begging for liberation. The moody temperament bothers me tremendously, especially those close to me. And I know, it has cost me somewhat dearly recently...

I believe I am taking a new step in my life. My path is no longer that which was previously trodden on, free from worries and full of nonchalance. It has taken on a new meaning, and I intend to see that it goes on this way. Change is inevitable, which I am trying to embrace it, day by day. I don't really see it as a subversion of my own personality; on the contrary, why not view it in a whole new light, that I am breaking free from the chains of my own oppression and repression.

Saturday marks the last race of my running career I guess. The ever last IHG, as well as the final competitive race I would probably ever take part in, and play an important role in. Sadly, I haven't been training enough, and my current fitness level is abysmal. I don't know why, but I have been plagued with a persistent cough for the past 1 month or so, and kept falling ill at critical times, such as before a major race. Missed the IVP Steeplechase due to a fever, and barely recovered in time for the IHG Track Finals. It has been devastatingly disappointing, and I can't help but feel a sense of deep regret.

What lies ahead, we can never tell...

Blank

2006-01-30T01:10:00.000+08:00

I think my world is collapsing. Yet again.

I have this urge to screw everything, and not bother about them anymore... My mind and mood is telling me - don't give a shit about them, wallow yourself in self-pity, please.

And I think I just might be the old me again...

I kinda miss him... Don't worry, he'll be back, in due time, once the killing blow is delivered...

Looking ahead of my resolutions

2006-01-03T00:43:00.000+08:00

I just hope that 2006 will be a better year, for me, and all my family and friends.

In my case, I only wish to be a better person, embrace magnanimity, and be the generous individual I can actually become. Although I know the narrow-minded mentality and overly sensitive nature can never be changed, I will do my best to curb them and keep my feelings in check.

Lastly, I pray I'd not have to fill my little black box too often... It's already almost full... Any more, and it'll.... I can't bear to think of the consequences.

Anyways, Happy New Year everyone~!! =D

Sore...

2005-12-27T22:49:00.000+08:00

It's still lingering in me... That sore feeling... Maybe I just can't accept failure... Well, I know that's not true. I do acknowledge my shortcomings too. It's just that, when I know I have an edge over others in something, I expect nothing less than superior performance, or at the least, comparable results to theirs.

So yes... A week has passed, but I continue to feel the angst. I am like on a strike, boycotting all work. Sort of trying to put up a demonstration, telling everyone that if they don't recognise my capabilities, why should I work - let other people who did better fill in my shoes.

I know I am being childish, and perhaps MCP, but I can't help it. Pride got in my way, with an overly robust ego to boot, and that got me all petty and irrational. I think you don't really understand me in this... Sometimes, I guess I also expect you to know it, and emphatize with me... Selfish, yes... But well, I see myself as the victim here, though you may think otherwise. But no worries I guess; there will be no crazy thoughts or a dark, brooding melancholy. Only a dampened morale and waning self-esteem...

The gnawing in my gut

2005-12-20T23:02:00.000+08:00

That I should have done better... That I deserve more than that... That I should have gotten that result, because I am by far, better in that area (at least I feel that I am good, and hence I should have done better than you)...

The feeling still irks me... Greatly... I can't seem to get over it... Not brooding over it won't change the fact; it merely substantiates and validates it. What I am experiencing now, is the anguish and pain, as well as sorrow and guilt, for failing to meet up to my own standards and expectations. It's like missing an open goal, or squandering the chance in a penalty shootout during a soccer match final, such as the World Cup. Well, in my case, I saw my shot blazing over the woodwork, out into the area beyond the pitch. Moment of regret, an eternity of dejection...

I still can't put it behind me. As much as I would like to move on, and strive for the next goal, there's this nagging feeling gnawing at my insides, pulling my guts back. The realisation of my incapability to accomplish what I am meant to achieve (especially when it is so within my means, expertise, knowledge and innate abilities), stifles my self-confidence and drive. Having lost out in an area where I know I shouldn't have, I wished I could just dig a hole and hide myself... It's like, a dog losing to a cat in its ability to bark, if you all get what I mean...

Damn it... Sometimes, I wish I could just put it all behind me, and not bother about anything, anymore.

Outrageously undeserved...

2005-12-19T22:04:00.000+08:00

I am outraged at what I see... And I am adamant of my own stand and capabilities... Truth is, I see myself as superior in this aspect, as opposed to others. Not that I look down on the rest, but it is just that I perceive my knowledge and abilities to be one level above the norm. But somehow, my confidence and results do not tally. WTF...

I definitely feel that I deserve that grade more than anyone else, unless of course, you tell me that I am not as good as you. Now this I dare you to challenge, and should you have this notion, or should I say, misconception, voice it out now. If not, please acknowledge my superiority. I don't believe in level ground, or being on par. It is because I see it as something I am good at, my cup of tea, a forte, a competency. Considering the amount of work and effort and brainstorming and contribution to the projects on my part, I'd say you all leeched on my grades to boost yours. Period.

So yes. I am haughty, arrogant, indignant and unwavering in my conviction. And I am bloody hell pissed and utterly dissapointed with the goddamn result. I don't deserve it, and I refuse to acknowledge this grade. There can be no compromise.

Screw the final semester. I won't offer to draft out reports anymore. Effort and results are inversely co-related. Others simply stand to gain at the expense of my freaking labour. To see them getting better grades at the end - why put myself through so much trouble and agony, just so they can beat me in my grades. Only fools do such a thing. Yes, I was a stupid fool; foolish me still trying to be a nice guy, play the good Samaritan. Nice guys always stand to lose; heroes are always the first to die. So heck now. I'd say, just do my part, and let others worry about the big picture. I've had enough. FYP can kiss my ass...

GET OUT OF MY LIFE.

Hard at Work

2005-12-08T17:23:00.000+08:00

Like real... Haha... Almost the whole company is out on a training session at Suntec Convention Centre. And being interns, of course we don't need to go... Yup, so here I am, blogging away, and waiting for 6pm to arrive. When it is time, I'll zoom out of the office on the dot! First time in 3 weeks xia...

Did an average amount of work today... Updating audit schedules in the morning before lunch, then did coding and filing in the afternoon. Took a really long lunch break - almost 2 hours!! Haha... A colleague had to go to PS to deposit a check in C*itib*nk, so I went along, and the 3 of us had lunch over there. Walked around in Carrefour for sometime; they bought chocs!! Haha... Reminds me of our choc buying spree during exams... Hehe...

Great that it's friday tomorrow... Working life sucks. I love studying, minus the exams... Haha... Going to school is so much more fun. But in 9 months time, I'll be working liao... Probably gonna sign for DT... Yeah... Very likely... Shall see how it goes...

Oh, and I am dying for a holiday. This would probably be the last year end holiday opportunity we got, since when we start work next year, our end of years will be super busy. Peak periods will be packing our schedule, and with work and deadlines piling up, I can imagine how hectic it will be. Forget about taking leave during this period. It's almost inadmissable. Sigh... No more winter holidays... How I wish for one now... Stupid PA, killed all my hopes... And deprived me of my last IHG as well... Drats...

It's 5.33pm now... Ending here... Knocking off soon!! =D

Unpleasanties

2005-11-30T23:41:00.000+08:00

1 interview down... K*PMG and DT to go...

Surprisingly, I don't feel happy at all... What gave rise to joy and satisfaction turned out to be short-lived happiness. For one, I don't take the offer as an interview well performed. More of like a formality that they go through. Granted, I have something to fall back on, should the other 2 not work out - a safety net. But I guess it applies for everyone too, so no big deal.

Anyways, high chance of me choosing EY. Just feel that it is worth my choice, and I'd want to work there in future. Also probably because it is the only choice I have at present... But still, a high probability of taking that path.

Just kinda bumped that P*WC didn't shortlist me... Which set me thinking... Apart from my grades not exactly matching most of the people who were chosen for the interview, have I not other redeeming qualities and attributes, that MAY MAKE ME A BETTER CANDIDATE than the others who were P*WCed??? Were they REALLY better than me, such that the all mighty oh-we-are-the-best-in-the-business P*WC chose to shortlist them and not even considering me? Hmmm... Apparently P*WC thinks so... And GRADES seem to be top priority... Because, from what I see in the online application form, there was NO ROOM for CCA elaboration, nor any option to attach resumes and transcripts. Which kinda makes this whole application SO GODDAMN ONE DIMENSIONAL AND SHALLOW...

Or maybe I didn't write well enough for my essay portion... Dammit... Very likely, since I just merely copied and pasted the contents of my cover letter into it... Haha... Serves me right. But I choose not to see along that line, cos I DON'T THINK I am any inferior in my essay capabilities.

So screw you P*WC... For my friends who got an offer from P*WC, my heartfelt congratulations... With sincerity too... Just that I also think, I am not any lousier than you guys... In fact, come to think of it, I am better in most aspects, academia aside (screw my university results, they are all bullshit). It's just that you were given the chance, while I was denied it due to some lame narrow siphoning criteria.

Bah...

A new beginning...

2005-11-21T00:48:00.000+08:00

Start of PA on monday, 21st November...

All the best~!! To you, and me... Hehe...

End of exams

2005-11-19T22:38:00.000+08:00

It's such a relief... And it is comforting to know that it is over... No more endless mugging sessions in school. Really starting to turn me off big time; so hate lugging myself to school everyday and TRY to study. Haha... Crap load of pressure and irritation... But at least I wasn't alone, and I am very glad for your company... =) Thanks so much~!

Ok, PA starts on monday. Shucks... Almost no time to relax and play. Sigh... And to aggravate matters, FYP has to be given a lot more attention this holidays, considering the fact that we are so running out of time. Yup, that pretty much sums up the next 8 weeks or so. Work and FYP... What else? Oh, not to forgot the marathon on 4 Dec. Argh... Not enough training... Drats... I am screwed. Haizz... Shall try to salvage the situation as best as I can... 2 weeks to bring my level of fitness up to the level it was 2 weeks ago... 11km in 51 min 54 sec (usual route in NTU); hope I can hit it again! But most importantly, I needa up my mileage!

Saturday night at home. Shall rest away then...

Drats

2005-11-16T02:36:00.000+08:00

11 more hours... I see myself staring at the question paper, awed... Disgust and a sense of helplessness will soon follow... That much I can predict...

Petrified, yes maybe... Numb, definitely. I can't seem to feel the impact of this disaster anymore. Think my senses are already tuned towards that fateful end.

All I can do is, to pray that a miracle will happen.

Or, perhaps it's just that I am not good enough. I am beginning to start thinking it is so...

Damn

Questioning my self worth...

2005-11-14T02:55:00.000+08:00

Seems like such melancholy always strikes me prior to an exam. Maybe it's the intense pressure, escalated stress levels and lack of preparation that drive me into a sombre mood. Well, I can't say that these factors did not play a part, but I know I cannot brush away the more salient points.

The question of my innate capabilities and self-worth have been on my mind for the past 1 month odd. I've been embracing a very positive attitude throughout I must say, especially during these few weeks. It has kinda given me some motivation to go against the odds, and push my limits. I am by no means a poor performer, that I know for sure, since I do have a considerable track record to back my claims; albeit the recent run of abysmal results. I shame myself for such sub-standard outputs; but it seems that it has become a norm, that peers see me nothing better than a typical also-ran. But worst thing is, I am beginning to adopt that kind of attitude on myself too. Kinda like killing my very own self-worth eh... Haha...

It does hurt and pain me somewhat that I am not approached for queries and stuff. Ok, for accounting related modules, I agree. My knowledge on it sucks to the core. I probably can't even balance accounts even at this stage!! Haha!! (Wonder how my future employer will take on this) So no point asking me stuff on them... I will probably refer you to someone else, someone I know better suited to address your queries.

But other stuff, other modules that don't have an accounting concept to it, those that rely on not just facts and objective concepts, but rather those that require a more subjective and open approach - these are what I believe I can excel in. In fact, I don't even think my performance variance would deviate a lot from the top performers. But I guess, it's kinda hard to picture, especially when my previous sememster were nothing short of a disaster (by my standards). So yeah... Period...

Can't think so much liao... Gotta a paper to mug for... Hopefully, I'll tide across this melacholic disposition... I like being happy... =) Hehehe... =D

Goodnight, Good Morning

2005-11-08T05:39:00.001+08:00

I seem to begin losing sleep of late. More often than not, the need to sleep simply eludes me. Is it the exam period that is making me thus sleep-disorientated, or is it simply just me? My constantly reflective mind, never failing to haunt me with thoughts and hallucinations of all kinds. I cringe at the idea of losing precious sleep, as I recall a speech by Macbeth in Shakespeare's play "Macbeth":

Methought I heard a voice cry 'Sleep no more!
Macbeth does murder sleep', the innocent sleep,
Sleep that knits up the ravell'd sleeve of care,
The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath,
Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,
Chief nourisher in life's feast,--

Well, definitely it's not so bad la... The circumstances don't match; me and Macbeth I mean. But it's just an afterthought, and I vaguely recall this passage which really got me intrigued with the whole idea of sleep. I even went to buy Stephen King's novel, Insomnia; was expecting a storyline more credible, but ended up with a twisted and absurd plot. Haha... Getting pointless and overly digressing here...

Anyway, it's my 2nd post of the day, in a timespan of 4 hours. Yeah... Sleeplessness does make one do weird stuff. I realise my paradoxical posts. I claimed I have lost much will to blog lately in my previous post, and yet, here I am now, typing aimlessly away... Haha... True, my mind is in a swirl. Been reading people's blogs, and come to know that, life's really a goddamn bitch. Why do we get so stressed, so vexed, so pent up in University? I just can't seem to find the answer, and I guess I never will. Who knows, the working society beckoning to me in 1 year's time could be worse. We never know what the future entails. And my stand now is, do what we can at present, and work towards the best possible result. At least that much, I have learnt.

Hmmm... Feeling a little bumped just now. Had a overly-simplified goodnight. Well, was kinda expecting a hand squeeze or something... Haha... But never mind la... I suppose everyone is tired, so am I. I'm sure today will be a better day! Hope I can wake up on time. It's 6am now... And I don't feel the least bit sleepy...

Ok, just had a fleeting moment of nostalgia. Thinking of the days that went by... Time surely flies, and it has made me blanch at the fact that events are moving at a break-neck speed, that I feel myself struggling to catch up. I am still trying to find myself, looking for my goals, my aspirations, my objective in life. Till date, I have none. And it scares me. I am not talking about short term goals, like immediate ones, or even 5 years down the road. I am talking about lifelong ambitions, something that I wish to accomplish in my life, an achievement worth being proud of. It may not matter to people, but it does to me, and it is the pride of my life. Sigh... Still no sign of that being found. It's not so shallow as that of having a great career, or having this having that, or earning my 1st million bucks by 30 years old. Career aspirations, climbing up the social ladder, these kind of goals are too widespread. Pick any Tom Dick Harry pursuing an undergraduate degree and he'd probably tell you he wants to be a manager by when, be a senior manager by when, be a department head by when etc etc. What joy is there in seeking something so common? I don't see the point. Of course, not that I am demeaning those who do have such dreams; I myself, do hope for such achievements too, so I can drive my BMW... Haha... But it's just that, I don't see it in the way others do, just like others don't see it the way I take it to be.

Time just flies, it really does, and I miss those days of old. It is those times that make me smile right from my heart, and I can truely call myself a happy kid, back then. Oh, so sorely missed...

Take me away, into the magical land of Narnia...

Thoughts in disconcert

2005-11-08T01:20:00.000+08:00

Getting pissed off with NTU network. I typed a post and posted it, but then none of my script was saved. I am too lazy and irritated to type another post of the same substance, because it just makes my blood boil when I recall my post not being registered. Useless network... Or maybe it's B*logger... What the heck...

Have lost much will to blog of late. Reason being, I don't even know what I am feeling now, so I guess that leaves little for me to put down into words. But I know I have a newfound determination, and a will to press on. The challenge of this current exams is great; sometimes I fear I'd plunge into a melancholy, and live the days pondering into many a whimsical notion, taking on a reflective disposition everywhere I go. But the vices I have so willingly relinquished, and here I keep to my promise, never wavering in thought.

Approaching the exams with a positive attitude, as I've always had. Doing the best with whatever time and resources I have left, and making the most out of them. Stress factor is usually low in my case, but I understand that it is not always so with others. So I fully emphatize, and am sincerely concerned. I believe my support is the least I can offer, which is what I will do... Keeping all in good faith, I shall press on...

On a lighter note, I broke my PB on my 11km (bus 199/179 route) once again - 51 min 54 sec. Damn cool man... Shaved 21 sec off my previous best. This darn 11km is almost equivalent to clocking 12km, because of all the slopes. Great achievement last night, and it spurred me on to try to better that timing again. But guess it'll have to wait, since it's time to up my mileage, in preparation for the marathon in less than a month's time. Zoom zoom... Time flies... I need to step up my training... Hope to find time amidst this packed exam studying schedule...

Taking a breather...

Deja vu...

2005-10-31T06:32:00.000+08:00

I feel lost now... So helpless in the face of this calamity. I thought things were going on fine; indeed, I was led to believe so... I am not dishing out any blame whatsoever. It would probably be unfair. I guess the whole affair started off on the wrong foot. But with things thus developed till such a point, there's no turning back for me.

Selfish or not, it's not up for us to decide. Humans, by nature, exhibit some form of selfishness along the way. There is no true selfless character or an altruist for that matter... We all desire some form of gratification, sometimes at the expense of others. But know that there can be no equality in the world. There will be people better off, there will be people worse off; some things are just not within your control. But one thing I know for sure, is that delay in resolving issues could prove to be more of a disaster than an aid...

Being suspended in limbo really sucks... You can't concentrate on anything at hand... Considering exams are approaching, first paper on 4th Nov... Not done studying yet... So yes, it's really a tight situation. And my mind is bogged down with issues so severe that it leaves little room for other thoughts. I was appalled to be revealed such a matter... The impact hit me with alarming alacrity. I could barely gasp for breath, as I slowly piece the information bit by bit together. My thoughts were all jumbled into incoherent babblings... Momentarily, I lost composure and relinquished control of myself. The feeling of being left in isolation and desolation...

It was all so familiar... A feeling of deja vu...

Studying in solitude

2005-10-30T22:22:00.000+08:00

Sigh... Always hate the exam period... Stress levels increase a hundred fold, easily irritable, temperamental dispositions... Doesn't sound good at all... But looking on the bright side, at least it'll be over in, 19 days from now!! Haha... Just too bad that PA starts the following week... And I don't exactly look forward to PA, since it was like a last resort kinda choice in the company. Imagine working in somewhere which you had no intention to, but was forced into making the choice in lieu of unfavourable circumstances... Ok, shall not dwell too much on that... One step at a time...

Studying alone in hall tonight... Feeling a little lonely... Hahaha... Probably cos I was so used to company all the time... Well, still gotta study. Hmmm... Maybe I'll finish a chapter, and then watch a movie. A whole long list of shows to watch. But this time, I'll be viewing them alone... Heh...

Well, nothing much to blog about... An average weekend, with quite a lot of money spent. Bought another pair of Levi's jeans, and joined Levi's club member... Haha... I love Levi's, so I don't mind!! Now I have another pair of Levi's to add to my extensive collection. Feel like selling off the jeans i don't currently wear, perhaps on sgforums... Worth a shot... Hehe...

Shall end off here... Gonna go for a run, and hit my books... Been 2 weeks since I ran, and the last time, I clocked a PB of 52 min 15 s for 2 rounds around NTU... Haha... Think my run tonight will be pretty slow... Till next time... =)

Joy and laughter; sorrows and pain...

2005-10-28T16:59:00.000+08:00

Times of fun, times of joy, times of laughter, all in delight... These are moments that I really cherish, and hold dear in my memory. The playfulness, the mischievous acts, the little things that make your day... Sometimes, if only we were able to bask in the joy of happiness and contentment. Nothing else would matter...

Periods of nonchalance, instances of anger, of pain, of emotions running wild... I start to feel the angst in me all over again. The desire to plunge into the depths of dejection, of utter remorse and wallow in my own self-destruction. Characters so similar, so strong, an uncanny alikeness... I see myself in your headstrong demeanour, and the striking semblance is just too hard to deny. Perhaps you don't see it; maybe because I have repressed that part of me, locked it away, never wanting it to come back out again.

Sigh... It's agonising, for both you and me... To taste the bitterness of anger, of the pent-up frustrations that only a heart-to-heart talk can resolve. We would not give in; the obstinacy in our nature prevents it, and frustrations escalate... It will take more than just forebearance on my part. I know, it'll be a challenge, a Herculean task even... And human nature is just not something easily altered.

But I'll not give up... And I hope you'll help me along the way too...

Insecurities abound

2005-10-15T03:45:00.000+08:00

Wonder how I'll ever face myself again, should I fail once more... The feeling of dejection sinks deep, as always, and it drives a knife through my flesh, each time it hits the core. How will I ever rise up to the challenge, I do not know. Confidence has faded, self esteem waning, and pride shattered, with nothing more but a little ray of hope left.

I just pray that this light can shine me through these darkest times, and be my guiding hand along the way...

When all hope has faded...

2005-10-04T23:39:00.000+08:00

I feel helpless... And hopeless... Not to mention, aimless...

I think I have failed miserably, and it only occured to me now. Yes, it was only at this very point in time, during this very intensive period of emotions and revelations, that I fully grasped the meaning of my failure. And it sunk in really deep. The pangs of guilt that I currently feel, cannot be described with mere prose and script. I have never felt so low in life, where my self esteem is at the brink of destruction, where pride doesn't seem to matter to me anymore. It is as though, my existence was but a mere parody of life, something that fully satirises the epitome of success. It's such a bitch I tell you, and it makes me, oh, so lonely...

Make what you will out of my incoherent thoughts, penned down into words. I don't give a crapbag shitload of an ass's damn anymore... Don't try to impose your values on me. I appreciate it, but seriously, do you really understand, especially when you are not in my shoes? Most importantly, when you are not me? Goddamnit... I hate to put people down like that, I really do... I don't wish to scoff at your advice with scorn and loathing, because I really do want to take it up. But I can't, and I don't wish to.

It's already a wrong path chosen, something that cost me 2 good years of my life. One wrong choice, and here I am, neither here nor there. Who's to blame but myself? For making the wrong decision? Well, maybe... But it could be that I wasted my time, instead of putting effort into making the best out of it. I don't know... It is already checkmate; time's almost up.

I look back upon my 2 years, and I wonder, what in the world was I doing? Perhaps I was pursuing a cause that, at that moment, seemed so just and noble, that I was willing to forsake a substantial part of that which my future livelihood depended upon. And to what end? The demise of my very own future. Goddamnit... I don't even feel proud of what I've done, because it just doesn't warrant any praise or recognition. Rightfully so!

Simply put... Employers don't give a shit about what you've achieved outside the area of academia, unless it's really something worth mentioning, and I mean really something... Not just some meagre local achievements... Truth is, they spit in your face whatever useless credentials you present. What they want are grades... Maybe I joined the wrong activities, channelled my time and efforts to a narrow cause, and I'm to blame for that... But so what? The bottomline still depends on grades, and that is a universal fact. Just like the action of giving convicts a second chance - it's all bullshit. Which employer would want an ex-convict in his company, even if he has really turned over a new leaf. Employers wouldn't want the RISK of the ex-convict committing the crime again, this time, in his very own territory. So what's the best course of action? Don't hire him; prevention is better than cure. So I say, all that media hype, all that attention, all BULL.

I demean myself too much, but it's the truth. And sometimes I think, I am not worthy enough for you...

When thoughts run wild...

2005-10-03T01:55:00.000+08:00

Those words, they are deeply inscribed in my mind...
I just want to drift into oblivion...

These words

2005-10-02T18:59:00.000+08:00

Those few words, stabbed me in the heart...
I knew it was true, as I had thought it through...
The feeling of helplessness incapacitates me,
as I try to grapple whatever self-worth left in my pride
A self-esteem once held so high,
that nothing could topple it, much less replace it...
Now I am seeped in sorrow and shame
when I know how I stand and compare
that it might never be the same

I guess this feeling is just momentary. I hope it is... I need to get a hold of myself, once again... I know I should not indulge in wilful thoughts; rather than lamenting over the problem, I should seek for the solution. But it's not easy, not easy in the sense that the solution is not an absolute remedy to the ailment...

I wish I could be a better person, and I wish, I wasn't that disadvantaged in your eyes...

Shiok la...

2005-09-25T02:49:00.000+08:00

Haha... Really leh, feeling happy from today's events... Yup, although I had to rush to Orchard to meet up with ICEE project host, and burnt 4 hours of a saturday afternoon doing interview, but it was still ok nevertheless! Well, probably cos my group was cool~ hehe... except for maybe one of them la... But still, kudos to Tai Hiem, Eileen and Priscilla! Haha...

It's finally a saturday not spent at home, after like 2 months! Not counting D&D itself, I have been staying at home every saturday since school reopened. Tell me about a lack of life... Haha... But well, I gues it was a change for the better today, or should I say YESTERDAY, seeing that the time is now almost 3am... Gotta be clear, cos some people are quite particular about this leh... Hehehe...

Had a nice, relaxing short little walk around Orchard after that... Ok la, maybe like 1/3 of Orchard... Haha... Very happy la... It was just, erm... nice... Simple as that!!! =D

Got 205 and 206 to complete by sunday night... 206 by 5pm later... Shucks... I needa pia later man... Help, I seriously require professional aid!! haha...

Till next time, adieu!!!

Sigh...

2005-09-19T23:34:00.000+08:00

Who gives a shit man? I don't really know, nor care...

Wake me up from this reverie... Please...

Sometimes, maybe I just make too much out of small little things... Maybe...

All I ask for, is perhaps just a subtle sign, or signal... Doesn't matter which path it leads down... I take it in my stride... Either way, it beats wondering what the heck it could be, or couldn't be...

Suspense kills eh, doesn't it? Haha... To think thrillers were one of my favourite genres... Ironic indeed!!! =P

Study study... Got a quiz tomorrow!!!

Aimless wanderings... or wonderings?

2005-09-19T02:32:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... Why do I say so? Aimless wanderings? Well, it's really exciting to venture out into nowhere, with no particular end point to reach. The exploration of the unknown, the unravelling of countless mysteries hidden from the world's eyes. If only I could take a moment of courage, and make a leap for the unknown; what lies beyond is then immaterial, since I've already taken the first step of faith.

What about wonderings? Why so then? Well... I don't exactly know too... As human beings, we all have emotions. And being people with emotions, feelings of attachment do sometime grow. Sadly, at times, we'd have to deny such feelings, and this results in repression. Repression of the human soul? Nah... It's not so severe... Perhaps just a repression of freedom, free expression... Beats me sometimes too, because I can't exactly describe it. It has made me uneasy of late... Yeah, pretty uneasy, and I don't like that feeling. It makes me weak, gives me little concentration over important issues at hand, and most of all, it gnaws at my heart, demanding an answer.

I wonder how far I'll wander... It doesn't matter if I get lost in a paradise of dreams and fantasies... It's pretty worth it I'd reckon. Beats facing up to reality and managing unmanageable modules in school... Oh how I hate school... But fact is, there is no choice. So bear with it...

I think I'll just carry on wondering... Wondering what it is, what it could be, and what it should be... Maybe I'd have missed the opportunity then. The risks are high, so I don't think I should place my hopes on a whimsical after-thought I developed previously... Makes no sense... Rather, leave it be, and maybe soon, it'll be forgotten. I might just get myself back again...

Satisfied? I guess I should be...

2005-09-16T21:50:00.000+08:00

Came in 3rd for NTU Open's 3000m Steeplechase. Most of you will be like, WOW... Haha... But no lah, there were only 3 competitors... Haha... So I guess I sucked... Hmmm, but then again, the top 2 were IVPs... 2nd was Bernard, so not too bad la.. Was only 18s behind Bernard, and 35s behind the champion. Yep... Clocked a timing of 11 min 50 s... Guess this is my current PB ba... Might have done better if not for the damn flu, but no point trying to self console... =P

Hope I can give a shot at IVP... Hmmm, will definitely ask if I can be part of the team. So it's time for trainings, and then perhaps there'd be another time trial. This round, I'll make sure I break through... Haha...

Quite happy with the result, although I came in last... It's the timing that matters, and most importantly, I didn't give up. It's been 5 years since I last ran this gruelling event, and it sure did bring back some memories...

That said, hoping for the best, and maybe I'd get into the IVP team... =)

Where to draw the line?

2005-09-16T00:09:00.000+08:00

Mixed emotions... Don't know what to make out of them. I hate to be suspended in such a state of limbo. In the past, I'd just grab a few pals, and hit a pub and drink like no tomorrow. It always feels good to let down your hair, and engage in senseless drinking sessions, that usually, if not always, end up in drunken stupors. Pretty waste of time and money, especially when you pay through your nose for all the alcohol, just to puke your guts out in an hour or two. What sense is there?

I always find myself scrambling in search of what I really want; it applies to everything that a 22 going 23 year old would be concerned over. Sometimes, I guess we don't really know what we want, and thus we explore a vast number of possibilities, which oftentimes cause us to elude the path that our heart actually tends towards. Yet, I feel that we are not contented to pursue that one single dream or goal, when we have a huge array of opportunities to hop on.

Decision never comes easy, and for someone like me, an avid procrastinator and an unbelievable skeptic of most situations, I find it hard to come to a consensus with myself. Hamlet's famous soliloquy would be most appropriate here I guess... "To be or not to be, that is the question..." I can't remember the rest of the lines; it's one helluva long soliloquy, but main thing here is, this fella here is one big procrastinator himself too. And not to mention his all-consuming jealousy that also contributed to his unfortunate demise. I think I once mentioned Hamlet in a previous entry, and that I don't stand in comparison to him at all. But well, it's always nice to have a figure to measure up to, although I don't think it is of much consolation were I to be like Hamlet.

Life, if only it didn't consist of so many variables, would be a much simpler equation to solve. I must learn where to draw the line.

Steeplechase in 18 hours... I am lacking in training and confidence...

No joke

2005-09-07T03:52:00.000+08:00

It's back again to haunt me... That uneasy feeling I always seem to have... Well, it shouldn't be uneasy, cos it's supposed to be pleasant. Yeah, but now it makes me uneasy; so uneasy to the point that I am desperately trying to deny it... Hahaha... Oh my, what a contradiction.

And yes, it's no goddamn joke. So i need to GET A HOLD OF MYSELF. And I really have to WAKE UP MY BLOODY IDEA.

Hmm, the wording in caps seem to help a bit. Kinda like what my superiors would yell at me if I don't get my priorities straight. I have tonnes of issues at hand - my ever worrying school workload, consisting of almost unmanageable modules, especially AA 206 (I swear I curse everytime I touch this module). Not to mention FYP, which we seem not to be getting anywhere, always going around in circles, and then back to square 1. Yes, especially FYP. Sigh...

Uneasy feeling, please go away, so I can concentrate on what is most important now. My renewed passion for running has helped quite a lot, and I am quite looking forward to this sunday's AHM. But drats, I haven't been training, so I really wonder how well I can fare. All I ask for, is a meagre 1 hr 45 min timing - that's all. Pray, let me achieve that, so I can be proud of myself for once.

3000m steeplechase, coming next sat, during the NTU Open. I am damn interested in giving it a shot. But what worries me most is my lack of training in crossing the steeples, which I have learnt through my J2 national school's experience, that it's one helluva killer. So yeah, no freaking joke. But still, seriously considering joining. Encouragement from Bernard further spurred my resolve to take up the challenge. Who knows, I may just sign up... Hahaha...

If only there was nothing more to that...

I hate school, and I hate being a final year student. I wanna revert back to being a year 1.

And uneasy feeling, GO AWAY!!!

Sometimes I wish

2005-09-06T02:58:00.000+08:00

1. I could turn back time, and do the right things that should have been done...
2. I could follow my dreams, live my aspirations, and stay true to my passion...
3. I could dedicate myself fully to the tasks at hand, giving nothing short of my fullest efforts to see to its completion.
4. I could catch up with what I have missed, and grasp what is being taught...
5. I had the power to overcome the helplessness I feel when everything seems to crumble in front of my eyes...
6. I had the courage to pursue the object of my desire wholeheartedly, without any qualms and reservations...
7. I had the opportunity to display my talents, no matter how immaterial they seem, so that I may gain back more self-confidence...
8. I had the perseverence to see myself through all the hard times, and kick away all the undesirable habits...
9. I was more receptive to other people's opinions, and respect their decisions...
10. I was more patient, tolerant, and accomodating...

Sometimes I wish, I could run away...

Cos I'm Mr Brightside

2005-08-26T03:19:00.000+08:00

Mr Brightside, by The Killers

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doin' just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go

And I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cus i'm Mr. Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doin' just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go

Cus I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cus i'm Mr. Brightside

I never
I never
I never
I never

Sometimes, I feel like I'm Mr Brightside... Haha... I really love this song; it rocks~! And it also strikes a chord within my heart. Seems to me that I can identify with it. Says pretty much of my nature, doesn't it? Hehe... Oh well, I shan't labour on. Seeing the time now, and my lesson at 9am later, it's high time to hit my bed... *Yawnz*

Run and running away...

2005-08-24T03:27:00.000+08:00

I got 1st for IBG Road Relay... Hehe... Something of a small encouragement and reward, to make me happy for a while... Granted, Bernard, Nat, Bala did not run, hence lesser competition. Nevertheless, I still managed to do a good run, and coming in 1st was probably an added bonus. Most of all, I believe I bettered my timing for last year's IBG Road Relay... Hiakz...

School work piling up, and with FYP, together with the insane amount of projects, I really do feel like running away sometimes... To do the things I like... Suddenly picked up the urge to run again; joining the upcoming AHM and the Standard Chartered full marathon. Yeah... And I'll also be participating in the NTU Track Open. Still deciding though... Not sure which event I'll take part in... Hmmm, perhaps 3000m steeplechase!! Haha...

It's my final year... Let me end it with a bang... Awesome...

It's been some time...

2005-08-17T03:37:00.000+08:00

No particular reason for this neglect... Perhaps just plain laziness in blogging... Oh well, much has happened during this 2 week interim, but looking at the time, I shan't babble on.

D&D 05 is over! And with that marks the end of my official involvement in a hall committee... Hehe... Feeling kinda sad about this, but guess it's both a relief and a sense of satisfaction at the same time. Might dwell on the topic of D&D in another post; we'll see...

Right now, it's down to school work, and more school work... I say it's time to stop fooling around...

All to lose for...

2005-08-02T01:44:00.000+08:00

I guess I have always never believed in a fairy tale ending... It was just too fantastical - an overly whimsical version of dramas. But to live by that dream - it was fascinating, and pleasing to the senses. It was something beyond the cruelties of the real world, which surpassed all pain and sorrows, only to bring pleasure to the deserving ones.

The harshness of reality hit me real hard, when I realised some things are not meant to be. There are times when you ponder over matters that have never occured you before, and its cold hard truth struck you right smack in the face. I guess I woke up from the dream, understanding that I am not what I thought I could be. It is back to the solitary life I used to live by; the carefree and undisturbed peace that I've always yearned, but denied at face value. Such are the contradictions of human nature. And people learn lessons through the hard way...

Remorse, I feel plenty... Guilt, I have no less... Regret, is something that came too late... But rather than living a lie, I chose to be frank, and to show my cards. A cad, no doubt, and I am ashamed of myself, for I have no defence as to my own fallings...

It'll be judgement day soon, I know...

After-thoughts

2005-07-28T01:49:00.000+08:00

FOC 2005 was a success... Yep... It was a great 5 days for me, albeit the lethargy and occasional stress. But otherwise, it was a memorable experience; the last FOC for me in my university life. I'll miss it, that's for sure...

Been kinda quirky and weird of late... Can't seem to grasp the reason behind it, and I am taking some time to look into it. Another repose, that's what I need.

One step at a time...

A brand new week - welcome Freshies~!!

2005-07-18T03:15:00.000+08:00

And here it comes... In less than 9 hrs time, FOC 2005 will commence!! After a year of preparation, having gone through much toiling and hard work, it's finally showtime folks... I do wish for a smashing camp ahead, and I look forward to a fun-filled 5 days of sweat, joy and laughter; something that I can end my final year in NTU with a BANG.

I have to be up at 8+am in a few hours time, but here I am, blogging away... Haha... Waiting for my laundry to be done, so in the meantime, this is how I pass my idle time away. Realised that my absence from my own blog has been somewhat obscenely long; 2 weeks of neglect is kinda unlike me. But well, I was pretty busy for the past 2 weeks, so it's probably a reasonable excuse... Hehehe...

5 tiring days await me, but it doesn't daunt me at all... It'll be sleeping at 4am everyday, and starting the programmes at 8am each morning... A rough gauge here, but highly probable. So it's really no joke. As a CGL, at least I can have some breathing space in between. Besides, with CBQ and Yung as co-CGLs, I foresee a smoother ride ahead... =)

Shall end here now... Wonder if the schedule for the next few days permits me a few minutes on this blog though... Hehe... We shall see~!

0530 Reveille, 0545 breakfast... etc

2005-07-04T21:05:00.000+08:00

It seems now that I have reverted to my NS days, momentarily...

Reporting for work at 7am everyday in Suntec City, starting today till friday, may sound reasonable enough at first... And the thought of accomplishing this incredible feat did not seem to daunt me initially...

Was kinda naive though... At the end of my first day of work this evening, I was dead beat... Haha... The trip back home on bus 133 was dedicated to catching some shut-eye... Well, I ended up dozing off quite easily... Was lucky not to miss my stop!

4 more days ahead~!! Press on folks!!! And that includes me... Hiakz~ =P

Life is a satirical version of a dream, really...

2005-07-01T01:44:00.000+08:00

Why do I say that? Well, think about it, and I believe most of us can identify with this claim. I don't wish to demean our very existence, but the atrocities that Fate makes us go through, the sufferings that Providence cannot prevent, and the disappointments Time reveal to us - it all just fits into the picture now, doesn't it?

No, I am not being fatalistic, nor do I live by a pessimistic code of life. Were I one to be subjugated to relentless whining and shameless dependency, I would not have appeared as the person I am now. I would call myself a realist perhaps... Ok, maybe not to the extend of practising extremities in this aspect, but tending more towards the factual, the material and the substantial.

I am kinda experiencing a disorganised mental faculty now... There seems to be discourse after discourse in my mind... Endless series of rhetoric; the soliloquy stretching on into a timeless void... I can find no questions, nor answers, to my ever misguided notions and deliberations.

However, I am glad to know that at least one part of my life is in harmony. A winter night's solace, a break from the cruel reality - this light I hold dear, and I know it's not just a guiding star, but my ray of hope. To see the dawn of the day, the sunshine after a storm, and the blossoms of spring following the harsh winter solstice... It's all that really matters now... And I don't want to lose that which I have come to love, and cherish, and finally made it one of my own...

And I say Life is but a satirical version of a dream... Well, sometimes, it really depends on how you interpret a situation. Give it some thought... It's a matter of perspective, really...

On retrospect, on hindsight...

2005-06-30T01:01:00.000+08:00

I look back over the past year, and vividly recall myself wanting to make this upcoming D&D a glamorous one... Something that I can be proud of. An achievement that me and my brudders have fought and worked hard to reap the fruits of our pains and labour. Such passion, such determination, such confidence - surging through my veins, spurring me on... I had a vision, I saw a path, I made a decision...

The seat of the Chairperson consumed my over-ambitious ideals... What appealed strikingly as a novelty, gradually relinquished its seductiveness, when reality, like an icy cruel blade, cut mercilessly into our cold bare flesh. The hard truth sunk in, and I was left grappling for a life buoy. I turned to the next best alternative, and settled for a less than ideal compromise.

Perhaps it has been a sheer lack of effort. Nonchanlance and negligence at some point of time along the way. What should have, and could have been done, was left standing on the shelf. I guess I made some blunders and misjudgements, that could have been very costly to bear. To think that the enterprise would have crumbled under my directions, is simply too overwhelming a possibility for me to consider. I will not let that happen, that's for sure.

But yet, I am but one person. It's an onerous responsibility, and there's a limit to what I can do. There are canvassing jobs available, but I can only do one at a time, and fill up one vacancy in that very job at any one instant. Likewise, I can only emphatise with people to a certain limit, when it comes to matters of selling bash tickets, whatsoever. You can't sell; that I can understand, but can I compromise for one, when others have already complied? It's more of a moral issue, than just principles, at stake here.

Sometimes, I guess people just don't see the severity of circumstances. What they see is just the face of it, the tip of the iceberg. Take the recent Chinablack bash for example. The turnout seems great, many tix were sold, ON THE NIGHT ITSELF. What they don't know is that, people were selling what they were supposed to clear BEFORE the bash. I myself didn't make any fucking door sales. I absorbed the goddamn unsold tix, and so did CBQ, and perhaps some others as well. Well, I didn't enforce the "clear own tix before bash" policy strongly enough I guess... Or rather, I think people took it for granted that selling at door was meant to be the way. No doubt it WAS, for the past bashes. Didn't I state my requirements clearlybeforehand? Ok, sometimes people have got to LISTEN, and heed my words, cos I was fucking-a-serious.

And not to mention helping people clear their own quota of tix. Some people can't sell, they get others to help them. Ends up, that person helps him/her to sell off the tix. At what expense? At the expense of the kind soul's effort, and time, and not to mention, the extra proceeds that the committee could have made, had that kind soul not help the person in need to sell, but rather, sold off extra tix at the door, adding to the money pool. At times, the layman just don't see the dire consequences of being a good Samaritan. True, you give a beggar money, and you are helping him stay alive, give him a reason to live, cos someone cares. But yet, he may become over-reliant, and not work for himself. It's working against what we were trying to rectify, and instead, exacerbating the current decadent situation. How paradoxical.

I could quit, and just end this wretched state of affairs... But moral conscience tells me that is wrong. And the fool that I am, firmly believes so. Why cling on to a lost cause, when other relevant parties have abandoned ship? Well, reason being, I am the goddamn Chairperson. And once again, this title attempts to consume me. Rightfully so, since I have engaged in many a worthless reverie, wishing for a miracle that could only happen on Mars...

And so, I have rambled enough. I have not anyone in mind when typing this lengthy post, nor feel any resentment to any single person. But I do ponder and compare to D&D's counterpart, FOC, on why the latter is able to command dedication, as well as loyalty from its committee members. I am not saying that the FOC Chairperson has an easy job; rather, I'd term it as more of an advantage perhaps. Hence to end it off, here are some salient points worth considering:

1. FOC is THE hall event of the year. Almost every active resident is a part of it. Hence, they are more pro-active and willing to commit.

2. The committee is goddamn big. Just collecting from each individual's canvassing target forms a substantial amount of funds.

3. FOC canvassing is still affordable, as compared to D&D's appalling amount.

Ok, mainly the canvassing amount. Enough said... The hell with it... I'm hanging on...

Walking down the streets...

2005-06-26T01:36:00.000+08:00

And it's finally down to the last day of the Ou De Yang job... Mindless walking, up and down the streets of Orchard Road... Attracting amused stares and endless giggles from the masses, which I've now grown to be accustomed to... Well, I guess it's not too bad a job after all. The first day was bad, real bad; but I've learnt to swallow my pride, and take all things in my stride... It's a job after all, and hell I have the guts to don the billboard, parading Orchard Road like a walking advertisement. I say all of us deserve an applause for our courage, as well as our perseverance in doing the job to the best of our abilities, apart from the endless slacking sessions me and Chee Wee took... Haha... Now that, is really a helluva skive...

I don't see myself accomplishing much this holidays... In terms of academia, I have failed to meet my own pre-set standards; with respect to my obligations and responsibilities to my portfolio, I have yet to achieve a respectable result. Hence, everything is pretty much suspended in limbo, neither here nor there. Still far from success, but yet too deep in for withdrawal. Such a predicament leaves me in a state of anxiety and helplessness, which no doubt culminates within me, a growing sense of dread and foreboding...

It would do much injustice to claim that all's lost with nothing but a bleak future to look forward to. Hope still exists, and I am not one that is given to despair that easily - not without putting up a fight at least. And with the encouragement and support from my trusted friends, I know it won't be a solitary battle that I'd be facing. I know you'd be there for me too, and it really means a lot to me... And it drives me on, knowing that I can always turn to you for solace... A warm feeling of serenity and peace, a place where time seems to have no substance, and where our hearts beat in rhythmic unison...

There's always a road ahead - it's just how you make a path for yourself.

Repose

2005-06-20T03:07:00.000+08:00

3am... Clock's ticking... A repose now...

Frame of mind - Alert, and awake... But well, I guess our minds often play little pranks on us, and leave the poor brain pondering over needless actions. It keeps soliciting us into unjustifiable endeavours, and although our senses tell us it's not right, our instincts oftentimes point otherwise. Such contradiction, such paradoxical circumstances... But then again, we exist in a world where not all matters of fact can be expounded by science, and we sometimes have to make way for the surreal, the unrealistic, the extraordinary, and even the divine - what atoms and particles can never explain.

Now now, just what in the world am I rambling about, seeing that the time is now 3.16am. Probably disintegrated thoughts and a feeble will to press on, gives rise to an incidental mental scarring that temporary disables our mental faculties. Ok, now what the heck is that? I don't even have an answer.

Simply put... 2 months from now, DnD... Funds? Lacking... Why? A loss sustained from a bash that should never have taken place. Indeed? I rightly believe so, seeing everything in retrospection now. Hindsight bias does have its merits, and I am quick to pick up the relevance here.

It's time to look for alternatives...

3.22am... Clock's ticking... Disperse...

Fortnight of absence

2005-06-15T00:27:00.000+08:00

It's been 2 weeks since I last posted anything on my blog... Pretty long time... Was dwelling on the topic of the GSS then, but guess the emphasis for me has kinda shifted already. GSS? Big deal... Didn't really take advantage of the discounts though. I am not an avid shopper, or a "discount know-all" kinda shopaholic. So I'll give most of those big bargains a miss... Hahaha...

Ok, my bash is coming up... This friday, 17 Jun, at Chinablack. Tix are going at $15 for gals, and $18 for guys. Comes with 1 standard drink. Do support me by coming down... Appreciate it~ Need tix, just drop me a line, anytime, any place. I am contactable 24 hrs a day... Just don't be too turned off by a groggy voice, if you call me at 7am in the morning... Trust me, I won't be irritated... Hehehe...

Parading around Orchard Road, bearing a sign-board, publicising Ou De Yang's new album, must be kinda kickass, rocking all time job... Hahaha... Not to mention the stares of envy when you breeze past the unknowing passer-by. The look on their faces - priceless... Now this is what I call, approaching your shittiest job, in a whole new light... Gives you more motivation to hang in there, and stick with the grime and dirt. Yeah... I've gotten frequent giggles from kids, as well as looks of amusement from the random Orchard Road visitor, not forgetting 2 immature kids who find it so amusing, that they had to force out a hideous sounding, totally misplaced laughter that really made me wanna pull down their pants, and spank their puny backsides... Yeah... haha... How apt a punishment...

Well, I don't think it's that bad la, after doing it for the 2nd time on Saturday... Kinda got the hang of it... Just needa swallow some part of my pride, block away all taunts and jeers, and take up the job like a mature adult. This is the huge difference between grown men, and irrational spoilt kids, who only spend their parents money, not knowing how hard money comes by... These brats ought to live independently to experience the severity of this cruel fact... Though this job may be a little demeaning, as well as embarassing, but it's still a job, a certain livelihood. At least we have the balls to do it, so for those who think it's stupid, shut the fuck up man... We don't give 2 hoots to your goddamn lowly opinions... Yeah!

Cheerios~ Ou De Yang job rocks!! Haha... But I don't foresee myself becoming a fan... Hahaha... Those who did the job, would probably know why... Hiakz

Interlude

2005-06-01T01:03:00.000+08:00

Haven't updated for a week, or so it seems... Well, that's what you guys think... My mind has been updated, only that I haven't put them down into words. Now there's a pretty arbitrary definition, isn't it?? Hahaha...

I must say that time passes very quickly. A month just flew past me, and all I can boast of, is my relentless bumming escapades. Going out, having fun, watching movies... Hmmm, haven't swam much though, sadly... But well, who cares... Haha... Basically, spending money... But surprisingly, I haven't clubbed since the week after exams, which was that wednesday night at Zouk. Only went for some beers the previous friday at Acid Bar with Songwei, Victor and gang. Other than that, I've been a pretty good boy...

GSS now on... Feel like buying a whole wardrobe of clothes (boy, do I sound like a woman)... Hahaha... Unfortunately, my finances are limited... And so is my patience in shopping and walking the whole of Orchard Road for a full day. Guess I am also very very indecisive when it comes to buying stuff... I want to buy something, and will say it, but when it comes to the actual act of purchasing it, I turn it down with a load of lame excuses. Woah... Talk about procrastination... This is pure indecision!

Looking forward to saturday... Haha... Weekends are always a major attraction to me... And I do think it's worth the wait... Sad thing is, it brings me closer to the end of the holidays... How paradoxical...

When it comes

2005-05-26T02:12:00.000+08:00

This is the one song I've been really crazy over these past few weeks... When it comes, by Tyler Hilton. Probably the tune and beat of the song caught my attention, quelling my unsatiable lust for pure rock. Ok well, it's not exactly rock... Hmmm, I wouldn't even label this song as rock; it's nowhere near it. Guess it'll just have to fit into the broad category of "Alternative"... Haha...

I am no analyst of songs, nor am I capable of giving objective criticisms. Well, 2 years of studying practical criticism of literary works in JC has taught me some stuff. Nevertheless, I am still far from perfect in fully comprehending any songs that have surfaced in the music arena. As much as you think you understand its meaning, its essense, there perhaps still remains a subtlety yet to be explored. So my approach, is to take what I know of the song, and appreciate it as it as meant to be. Whatever additional revelations or discoveries along the way, it's just like another learning experience. Understand it as I move on... Just like how the lyrics of the song flow... When it comes, I'll let you know...

It is no surprise that taking such a perspective view on matters, makes one rather inclined towards fate. If fate will have it, it will come to pass. Very fatalistic, no doubt. Well, I believe I am like this, but in moderation perhaps. Fate is a very strong word, and also a very unreliable one. Come to think of it, Fate is a bitch too, just like Life is a bitch to many of us. Rarely do our dreams and desires materialise, and to leave it to Fate to decide, would probably, if not always, end in dejection. Not every ending is like that in "Serendipity"; there's no silver lining behind every cloud. I think I have put too much trust in Fate since the day I understood that word, and I can barely count the number of times it has granted me an advantageous position. Talk about reliability...

Now now, again, getting too philosophical... I really needa sleep... Sometimes, I think too much. Ponder over needless stuff, when I should be concentrating on important matters at hand. Of course, a certain matter, of utmost importance to me now, is my main driving force. Ok well, guess it's just quite, or rather important only la... Yeah, it's pretty important... Haha... Oh my, I can't believe my nonchalance, but oh well, it's all in jest.

Yeah, so hopefully, everything will turn out well... Results, DnD, FOC blah blah... Haha, wonder why the sudden change in topic. Since when did hall stuff come into my mind? Hmmm... Guess it has always lingered in a certain crevice within my brain, and is gnawing at my brain cells, calling for much unwanted attention. Okok, I am heeding the call, give me a break!

Crossing swords

2005-05-24T02:43:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel there is a need to spar with someone; someone who has been the cause of your predicament. That being said, the aggressor is free to pit his skills against the opponent, and may the best man win. He who loses, may be dejected, but at least a fight is put up, and the result shows the better of the two.

Instead of thrashing things out, well, I understand sometimes it isn't that easy. Circumstances forbid the luxury of confrontation, and hence, the solution to the problem. It is during such times that forbearance must be exercised, and in my humble opinion, both parties should refrain from causing more damage to each other. Something we all have come to know as a truce. The war is treated as not having been fought, as both parties withdraw their armies.

I can't say what I am driving at here, only that certain things have come to passed, and it has made me rather vexed of late. It's ok, since I am usually empathic, and just let it go. However, such a resolve may fade over time, as things start to get out of hand (or rather, I see it as getting out of hand). Anyway, simply put, I am not satisfied, nor am I pleased, with certain unaccepatble behaviour that has come to pass, which just irks me so. Those who have conversed with me will know what I am driving at. And I wish not to divulge anymore, since there is nothing I can, or will, do to rectify the problem. In other words, I am incapable of providing help or service to the afore mentioned circumstance, and I also believe that others are similarly indisposed to its aid.

Enough said. He who turns his back away from valuable words, shuns his salvation.

A sea of thoughts

2005-05-18T03:08:00.000+08:00

Plagued by troubles and uncertainties I am unable to put to words... Yeah... And so I confided, and feel more at ease now. It is pretty much well with me, besides the fact that I have deadlines to meet. Other than that, I must profess that I have engaged in wild thoughts and insane delusions of sorts... But all have been discharged tonight, as I pour out my woes... I do feel better, though I know some do not...

What's there to do but hope? When there is life, there is hope. So let's all press on.

Give it a break at times, and look at the other beauties in life. As chagrined as a mind might be, there still remains an avenue for release. Take it, and see the light beyond. It may not be perfect, but it sure beats indulging in an all-consuming self pity.

When it comes, I'll let you know...

Harassed by boredom...

2005-05-15T21:15:00.000+08:00

I know I shouldn't complain... It definitely beats having an exam to study for, and keeping myself occupied with books. So I shall not go into the specifics of my desperate restlessness, and acute irritability. Haha... Oh well, it's the hols, everyone should enjoy. For those on PA and internships, hang on there... I mean, I'll have to go through it myself the next holidays, yeah... You guys can gloat over my pathetic predicament then... =P

The fishies went for dinner, drinks and KTV on wednesday night. Yup, it's a little late to be posting on this, but it just suddenly crossed my mind. Been pretty preoccupied with matters lately (what matters, I still can't seem to figure out!), so didn't really find time to blog. Ok then, perhaps I'm now taking a hiatus from my really "meaningful and busy" life, to note down salient aspects of my controversial existence. Hahaha... We'll dwell on this topic some other day, yeah?

It's been a long time since I hanged out with my fishie buddies... I mean, the kind of really going out and having fun kind. Yep, guess it has been many many months. That wednesday night was fun. Dinner at Cafe Cartel, I believed, had caused our neighbouring table much distress. The amount of bread we cut, was really, preposterous; think we consumed 2 loaves... hahaha... sheesh man... Yeah, and with our incessant noise and suggestive comments, it's no surprise that our poor neighbours would feel pretty insecure.

Next it was down to Irish Pub at Chijmes. Had some ordering problem initially, but all was settled when we were inside the pub. Apparently, drinks sold outside and inside were of a separate order. What the heck? Anyway, 3 pints of Heineken was all we had, amongst the 4 of us. Haha... Think I had quite a lot of Chee Wee's beer... Haha... Think Kanghui and Bingqiang also gulped down some of his. Oh man... Chee Wee, you should learn to drink more! Hehe... Being too full from the dinner is not exactly an excuse... =P

It was down to K-Box at Selegie next. Actually, KH and I were thinking of pool, but hell... The thought of singing and breaking our voices was just too tempting for us. We headed down there, took up memberships, and sang the night away. Not that we are fantastic singers... But we enjoy singing... Haha... 3 Basses, and 1 Tenor in the room that night, and I believed we really rocked to the core... Cool!

Shall strive to have more of such outings in the future... That was how we started, how we became buddies... The crazy drinking back in year 1, the SIB spying, and our drunken friend that night... haha... Not to mention CBQ's "I like that song!", the famous quote and actions... Oh man... What fond memories... We have 2 more months, let's see how we can have more fun like that again...

Magic, The Gathering

2005-05-13T01:04:00.000+08:00

I look back upon my secondary school days with nostalgia; the bittersweet feeling of freedom amidst restrictions. Those carefree moments now seem light years ago; my days in green shorts, although often mocked at by peers, bring back nothing but fond memories of friendship, enjoyment and pleasure. Indeed, back then I was also a fool for my age, scurrying towards the latest "in" thing, so as not to be left out of the group. Then began the age of "Magic, The Gathering".

It started with my silly old neighbour, with his dumb hairstyle.. Haha... We always laughed at his gel-slick hairdo... He got me hooked to this game, yeah... And I subsequently got my cousin into it. But well, back in sec 2, Magic cards were a pretty hot commodity, and it was subsequently banned in Catholic High. I remember another one of my friends hiding his valuable cards in his underwear during a spotcheck! Damn hilarious... Nobody wanted to buy his cards after hearing of that. Hahaha...

Yeah... But well... I still remember my most expensive card... Cost me $50... For a piece of cardboard... I had 2 of those cards. Another of my special cards also costed me $50; I had 3 of those. Wow... Big spender... And I owned cards costing between $15 to $25; not just a handful, but a substantial number at that. Collecting Magic cards was an expensive hobby back then, and I was always at the Bishan MRT station after school, trading cards and pitting my deck against friends and acquaintances.

Now whenever I think of this, I see how naive I was. However, these cards were a part of my life. I quitted playing at the end of sec 2, and disposed of the cards at a loss... Sold them off mostly at half-price. Really a jumbo sale. Regretted doing that, cos now recently, my cousin is selling his cards on the Magic Cards forum. Appears that there still exists a market for these playing cards. I still have some good cards remaining, maybe they can fetch me some money... Haha... Hopefully...

Anyway, this is a pretty disorganised post. Suddenly felt like typing something, and here I am...

Ending it off here... Till my next entry, bye for now...

Day by day, I slip away

2005-05-10T03:10:00.000+08:00

And one day passes after another... I waste my time away, idle as I am, nonchalant with nothing to pursue... And yet, coming to grips with the fact or fiction in Dan Brown's Da Vinci's Code has given me a lot to think about. That the beginning of Christianity was not what it should have been, but to the contrary? That the true nature of the Holy Grail was that of something more profound? It's really cause for concern! Such controversy, such relevations... Would modern Christians label this as mere blasphemy against their faith and the Church? I do not know... It may be fact, or fiction...

Anyway, it's just a novel... A New York Times Bestseller... Big bucks man... Tell me about it...

I see boredom in the days to come. Define boredom for me. My definition would be sleeping excessively, staying awake late at night, like now, unable to sleep, and thinking way too much into a mere novel. Oh ya, and having the incessant urge to go for a drink and smoke. Hell yeah... That's what I am feeling now. Booze and cigarettes, what a way to engage in prolonged self-hurt, considering the effects of these habits kick in many years down the road.

Wednesday night, and Phuture beckons. I daresay it's a pretty huge temptation... Ok, the music suits me, and the crowd is kinda my type. But if I were to go, it'll be for the booze and cigarettes man... Oh yes it will... And nope, though very much inclined to succumb to my temptations and the resolute persuasions of my friends, I guess I'll give it a miss... Oh ya, as for thursday night's drinking session at CHIJMES, Chee Wee, I'm afraid I might have to call it off too. Cos I'm meeting up with my cousin... Yeah, very sorry... We'll make it next week man... I made a promise, I intend to keep it that way... =)

Have a long day ahead later... Meeting PaPa to go Grand Hyatt, and then Yanling for her very much belated Bdae treat... Still felt bad I couldn't turn up for the Bdae party, but well, I had my reasons. Then later in the afternoon, shall head down Tampines to meet Qiulin... hehe... =) Wow, sounds like an eventful day... So time to get some sleep.

Still on Penny and Me...

Penny and Me

2005-05-09T01:52:00.000+08:00

Cause Penny and Me like to roll the windows down
Turn the radio up push the pedal to the ground
And Penny and Me like to gaze at starry skies
Close our eyes pretend to fly
It's always Penny and me tonight

Feel very happy tonight... Had a great time... Hehe... Good thing is, we both had a wonderful time. Yeah, it's been a rough week, and I know she did not have an easy time, coping with all that was there. But I am glad that it's better for her now... =)

Wanted to buy my new handphone today and sign with SingTel, which means cancelling with M1, but cos my contract with M1 not up till 14 May, my mum was for delaying it by 1 week. She called me on my phone to WARN me not to cancel, yeah... Haha... And being the good boy, I agreed... Haha... Next sunday, I'll have my new phone!

Well, we watched "The Interpreter" today. Caught the 7.15pm show at Cineleisure... Not a bad show, but not my kind of kick ass thriller... But doesn't matter... We had fun watching it, and that was all that mattered... Hehe... Overall, it was an entertainer la, and I don't see it as money wasted. It's a pretty good show, one of the better ones out now, so yeah, worth watching. Nicole Kidman was a stunner... Tall, slim and beautiful, though there were some slight hints of probably Botox on her. Her skin was really flawless... yeah... no wrinkles at 38, not even a slight one? I don't think so... hahaha

Yup, then headed down city hall. Wanted to go the the place I used to frequent for our late night dinner cum supper, but realised the place had changed. Feeling out of place, we headed to Newton instead. Heh... Cos Geylang was like way out of my knowledge. But she was good in reading maps and road directories... Haha... But nah... Didn't wanna take the risk... So Newton then. 10 satay sticks, a plate of char kway teow, 1 sambal stingray and sugar cane juice - pretty much our dinner... Hehe...

And then it was home sweet home... Yup! Simple day, simple outing, but gratifying experience... Yeah...

Penny and me tonight

Numb

2005-05-05T18:12:00.000+08:00

I feel a sense of numbness, seeping through my very soul... It's taking over all my mental faculties... The mind weak, the body dense, and life is a seeming monotone. A dreary heart for an afflicted mind... Brooding won't help; it only intensifies the sorrow, and creates more unhappiness. For all of us...

It's atrocious. I got kinda drunk at Zouk last night, yet again. It didn't feel as if I had a lot to drink. But why the inability to hold my liquor? Same thing on sunday night... It baffles me... Maybe it's because I drank with a dreary heart, and I wanted to get drunk. I dunno... Or I was just plain tired. Dancing? No... Never left my seat, except for the occasional toilet visits (not to puke) and the phonecall.

Really numb... No mood to do anything at all... I see the book lying in front of me. Usually, I'd devour it, page after page, and immerse myself in the artificial world of fiction. I love reading, especially when I have the time to spare, with little to do. But it seems there is no pleasure to be gained from picking up the novel... Numbness... Getting right into the very me...

Doesn't help that I know what's happening today. Yeah... On the surface, maybe I tried to be supportive, but deep down, I feel a little bit of resentment. I do really want to be supportive, and I have faith, I really do. And it didn't help when I could not give any advice. Such a fool I am... Guess my magnanimity is still not huge enough. There are some feelings within which I really do not want to express here... It's too much, just too much to take.

I'll let it be for now...

Apologies

2005-05-04T14:03:00.000+08:00

Wanna apologise for the outburst in my previous post. It kinda got into me. Guess at 5am in the morning, I was a little out of sorts, having stared at the computer screen for 4 hours.

I dunno if I caused you to be distracted today. No matter what, I am really sorry. Think I was such an ass... I woke up today, feeling terrible for being so cold this morning. Yeah, I couldn't bring myself out of bed, much less bring myself to face myself.

Decisions don't come easy

2005-05-04T04:46:00.000+08:00

It's true... And very much applicable now...

She looks back on her decision made, and thinks... did i make the right decision? Yes, and it's something she can't explain. Well, spent a goddamn 4 hours trying to probe and give some advice. Result? Tiger beer and a whole lot of nonsense. Yes... Tiger Beer!!! I can't believe it. Later at Zouk, I shall drink 4 flaming lamboghinis, many jugs of housepour, and tonnes of beer... How's that? Drunk?? No la... Just high... Haha

I hate to pressure people, but it makes me a feel like sitting on thorns when something is staring right at my face and it concerns me partly. Yes... It gets on my goddamn nerves, and I am pretty irksome... Ok, so bloody irksome. Well... I tried to get some answers, provided some good advice - I really thought it was good. Everything was put in perspective. At least it should be acknowledged? No? Haha... I go read again...

Funny eh... Yeah, I sound like a pastor. Great... Sound so damn philosophical at times. Great ideals. Appear so serious. No joke... Advice! Yes, I gave advice, goddammit! At least take some... And gimme a some comments... It may not be the best, but it IS still advice from someone, even if that person is a jerkass... Yeah...

Going mad with this torment... Fine, someone may say, "so what, my suffering is worse"... I say "fuck off... get your dirty ass off my goddamn path, u motherfucking son of a bitch"... Pardon the language, but hell, haven't you heard enough obscenities from me before?

Kiss ass... Time to drink to my heart's content later...

Who's to judge, really?

2005-05-02T11:48:00.000+08:00

Had a little too much to drink last night... Usually, I won't be that drunk. Ok, I wasn't drunk, but absurdly high. Yeah, that level of high. Weird, since I used to down Martells without any problems... And a few lamboghinis took me out last night... What's wrong...

Well, read something that irked me a little. Not angry, just a feeling of uneasiness. Yeah, just a little... Ok, maybe a lot. I don't know how to put it. Well, it's alright, but I'm still feeling very uncomfortable. Yes, pretty darn goddamn uncomfy. Thing is, I don't exactly like people to tell me what I need to do, when I already know that I AM going to do it. And I don't like to owe people favours. I don't like to OWE people anything. I know when I owe someone something, and I don't like the idea of it being spread. Besides, the lines are very thin, how do we know who owes anyone anything?

Anyway, this is a post of my deeply felt irritation. Not hating anyone at all...

But I abhor being seen as he one who appears to have benefited from this whole shitty affair. I think it's not fair to judge me this way. Not fair at all... No one knows all the crap I've been through, throughout the past few years. It's Hell... Really fucking Hell... No one knows ok... Maybe some people will find it insignificant; my answer to that is, balls to you, you goddamn son of a bitch. Different people have varying levels of tolerance for things. Some people are afraid of heights - do you go laugh at that poor soul for his fear?

I am not temperamental or destructive whatsoever. It's just that I am very expressive, in the written word. Cut me some slack, please. Yes, joking with me is fine, cos I'm a natural joker. But some things I take it seriously, and I would ask for some kind grace towards certain issues.

To love somebody, is to want that special someone to be happy

2005-05-01T16:24:00.000+08:00

To think that I have to be one of the causes of her pain. I can't bring myself to do it. She is torn, big dilemma, and very very depressed. I wished I could be there to console her... But I am not there... The decision yet to be made separates us, and I feel the gap...

I dunno why... Seeing her thus makes me so very sad. I want her to be happy, but it's not within my control. I wondered if my retreat will do any good. I keep my brudder, and she and I can still be friends. I can do it, it's possible. It may be hard on me, but still, it's only me that is hurt... One down, better than three afflicted.

No no, I am not magnanimous, or playing hero or whatsoever. It's very hard for me to let go too... Oh, so damn very hard. I thought I was strong, I could harden myself... I said I'd be least affected should I lose. Self delusion, that's right. Really...

Received a call from my friend. He's getting married in July, and invited me to his wedding. I was so happy for him. We chatted, and he asked me how my life was. I replied, exams over, damn shack... I couldn't bring myself to say anything else. Why bother people who have happiness ahead of them, with our own failures and dregs of life? He's a nice guy, really helpful and determined. Gonna be a teacher soon.

Me? Haha... Nice guy? Nah... Bad guy? Nah... What guy? I dunno... Maybe that's why...

It really made me so happy that you believe in me, and trust me. But I know, it's not enough. If only we could have the chance to develop more... I wish we could...

A delightful saturday night

2005-05-01T02:51:00.000+08:00

Our first date... Pleasant day, though weather was excruciatingly hot... And of course, it didn't start off very well... But when I picked her up, she brought a smile to my face. I felt at ease, and let nature take its course.

You asked me why I liked you. Well, I told you, and I meant it. Yep, never been so straightforward before. I am usually someone who doesn't make known my feelings to people explicitly. It's so unlike me, probably because I am rather introverted when it comes to affairs of the heart. Maybe you sparked me off... And it gave me an unprecendented courage. Really glad that you reciprocrated, and I can't tell you how delighted I am.

However, it's not so smooth sailing unfortunately. Yep... Life is a bitch, and fate has to take us for a ride. It's such a letdown, and oh, how abominable it can appear. I wish it wasn't so... I have been wishing, all the time... Hoping against hope that it will work out. But well, I haven't been that lucky in my love life. It's almost 23 years of pain, dejection and solitude. Yeah... It's too bad... But I have learnt from the past, and hardened from all experiences. Indeed, I will be hurt, oh so badly... But the scars are no longer apparent - it just forms another amongst the rest. I take things in my stride now...

You asked me whether we could go further. I said I felt we could... And again, I meant it. Yes, I admit I am not infallible... I may not be perfect, or anything near it... But guess I am really serious about this feeling. I know you are greatly perturbed by the scenario I told you just now. It's understandable to doubt me, and I don't blame you. But I believe honesty is of utmost importance, and there was the first step.

Whatever decision she makes, I will respect it. It's the least I can give.

Torn...

2005-04-30T15:38:00.000+08:00

Between friendship and love...

Yep... That's the situation now. My bro won't be speaking to me for a long time to come, I guess... So sad that this had come to pass. It's my best buddy, and best buddies don't hurt each other. We have become the puppets of fate, and it has led to this predicament.

Now I hope time will ease the pain for him...

2 years of friendship... I don't wanna see it go down the drain. I swear I'll do my best to mend the wounds. Please trust me, I don't want you to be hurt too. Have faith in me; I'll try to make it work...

Why has this come to pass?

2005-04-30T04:04:00.000+08:00

Well, I must say that today was a very depressing day. I had no mood to study, almost had no mood to finish my AC 213 paper. Yes, it was a disastrous paper, but that didn't bother me as much as what had came to pass.

I am afraid I have lost a good friend, a good buddy, a great companion - a brudder.

Bro, you must know that I will always be your good brudder, no matter what. Yes, you may resent me for it, but sometimes, these things are not really within our control. I won't try to defend myself, putting myself free of blame whatsoever. I see it as no one's fault really, but if blame really has to be assigned, let it be to me. I wish you would talk to me, and give me a chance to work things out. You already know, and I never hid anything from you. I believe in being honest, knowing that you'd want to be aware. But somehow, it wasn't enough, and I regret it. I wish I could really talk it over with you, if only you would grant me the chance...

I wish it wasn't so... I really wish... But sometimes, things aren't just as smooth sailing as it should be. After 2 years of friendship, the bond is so strong that it now hurts that it is on the verge of breaking. Can't say I am not the least hurt.

Tomorrow, I am going out. Yep, it's the only thing that is making me really happy. And a real big consolation. Have been looking forward to this day since I can't remember when. And in a few hours time, I'll be out... I'm sure we'll have a good time later! Don't think so much about it ya? I'll try to work things out between me and him.

The final challenge

2005-04-29T03:27:00.000+08:00

Well, here I am... Friday morning... 3.28am... It's 11 hours to my final paper, and once again (not surprisingly too), I am not prepared. Come to think of it, I haven't been studying as much as I should have. I did plan how I would tackle every single module, but my poor self lacked the discipline and action. Hence the last minute scramble...

Module - AC 213, Accounting Information Systems
ETA - 11 hours
Preparation level - Negligible
Confidence level - Waning

Haha... Shucks... I seemed pretty screwed. Though Songwei and Victor said they also never studied much, heck care this, heck care that... But I know la... They pia one lor... Basket... Haha... I am the one that really slacked today... Effectively studying time was a measly 3 hours I guess. For a whole day man. Crap, crap and triple crap!

Well, I've got the night to flip through everything. Can be done, just that my knowledge of everything will be superficial. I won't do well for this module, sigh... I wish I could. But given the limited time and apparent holiday mood that I have adopted since yesterday, there leaves little to be accomplished. Haha... Well well... Hope for the best. I just wish that I can scrape a C grade for AC 213... B seems hard la, not to mention A. Damn it... Why no 'A's????? Arghh... Ever since my A in marketing, it has been downhill all the time... Darn... This attitude has to change for my final 2 sems... It MUST.

The final lap, and I dash for the finish line; the stakes are high, but the hope will fly.

That being said, I am looking forward to saturday. Hehe... So happy, going out, watching movie perhaps, and maybe do some "look see look see" shopping. Yeah... Spurring me on now I guess, and I shall devote what's left of the night and my energies, to conquer AC 213. IT sucks, but no choice, suck thumb, must take.

The point of diminishing marginal returns

2005-04-27T02:48:00.000+08:00

Module - AA 305, Principles of Taxation
ETA - 10 hr 30 min
Preparation level - Unknown
Confidence level - Obscure

Wow... Not a very promising status... Ok, well... It looks bleak to me, considering I am not exactly sure of what's going on. Sure enough, I have read my tax stuff quite conscientiously. I have the quizzes to thank, especially the first one, which I failed. That sparked off my desire to do better for the next, and the cascading effect of studying hard for this module.

And yet, well... The amount of time spent doesn't seem to correlate with my understanding of this subject. Yah... At this point of time, I would seem to have been "adequately prepared", having read through everything already. When I read it, I understand, I can apply, and I feel alright. But on retrospection, it seems that I can't apply, don't totally understand, and the amount of scepticism over my knowledge is constantly increasing...

Help... Ok, I shall use whatever is left of the wee hours of wednesday morning to browse through one final time.

Come what may, I'll face the hour, and with all my might, I hope to conquer.

Sounds good eh... Haha... Yeah, suddenly there's this literary spark, but not what I need at the moment. I need to register what I have read, and apply it later for my exam. The law of diminishing marginal returns is at work, and there's little to be done.

One step at a time. Exams will be over on friday, 1700 hrs... Till then, I am a caged man...

Up next, hell week...

2005-04-25T04:13:00.000+08:00

My AA 202 exam is in 9 hours time... And not prepared at all... Fancy me still blogging away... Sheesh... Well, spent the whole of sunday mugging in NBS reading room, and still couldn't finish. Guess I'll have to skim through the rest, and hope for the best. It's a shock to me, cos I didn't expect 202 to be so taxing. The readings were no joke, considering I was reading most of them for the 1st time. And to make matters worse, I skipped like 25% of the seminars... Only have myself to blame...

No mood now to study anymore. Feeling so damn pissed and dejected. Yeah, the feeling is like that of prior to the AA 201 exam. Damn it. Again, only myself to blame.

This week sucks. 3 papers - all are super tough, heavy and extensive reading. Not to mention the need to practise for the Tax paper. Crap! Ok, I needa mug after my exam later. 1 1/2 days for tax only man; I don't think it's enough.

Bottomline is, I am a goner this semester. As usual, what's new? A whole sem of slacking and fooling around, going after an unattainable dream... And what's the result? It came at the expense of my studies, and I have all to pay for now. My demise is of my own cause, and guess I should expect no pity for it. You reap what you sow, so I won't complain that my harvest is lousy since I did not plough the fields regularly. That being said, there leaves little room for achievement. Only a miracle can save me now.

Yep, as my title states, this week is hell week. No joke. Mentally taxing, physically draining, and emotionally enduring. I pray that it'll not end so badly. All I ask for, is to survive, and clear my 3 papers with moderate grades.

I should end here, and study whatever I can now...

Despair sets in

2005-04-20T03:21:00.000+08:00

This is my avenue of release, and I show it...

Stress level - moderate
Panic level - high
Despair - Phenomenenal
No. of cigarettes - 9, and rising

AA 201 is on thur... I have 1 1/2 days to prepare. Thing is, I am not prepared. Ever wondered how it feels like to go to battle with only your bayonet, while your enemy is armed with machine guns and tanks? Guess I can identify with that kind of feeling. It is one of fear, the kind of terror you get when you know your end is near, and there is nothing you can do about it. It's utter destruction, mass suicide. A commander sending his troops out for a massacre. Free frag for the enemy. Bingo.

I am there. Just a soldier, equipped with my trusty bayonet. I approach the front line, in the sort of trepidation none of you can understand. I believe in my bayonet, but what is a mere knife in the eyes of the enemy who can shoot you down from a distance. I am screwed. Period.

Never felt so down before. Sure, I had my fair share of bad results in school, but I always managed to make up for them with better grades the next exam. Pri sch till JC, I haven't failed to do well. I may not be the best, but I am nowhere below on par. Nowhere. But here, I am slaughtered, trampled over. I seem to have lost it. And it shows pretty darn obviously man. Take a look... The no. of 'C's I have are more than the no. of 'A's someone in a Dean's list has. And it's nothing to be proud of. Yeah, some might say, "I failed before leh". My response would be, "So?" No offense intended, but it's a different setting for you and me, and comparisons don't go like this.

Might as well just tell NTU, to just give me my degree cert of a pass with merit, and I'll pay the balance of my school fees. No point torturing myself with all the exams and stuff, from which I have totally no interest in the subject matter, nor can bring myself to study conscientiously for it. Might as well, eh...

This is a depressing post, and I am at an all time low. So prithee, cut me some slack... Thanks for reading so far; I really appreciate your time...

Sunday Morning

2005-04-17T04:28:00.000+08:00

Read a little of "Scott"... Was going through the chapter on "Measurement Perspective", and gave up halfway. The whole babble going on about the Securities Market was pure gibberish to me. Sounded like Greek. Incomprehensible on the first attempt. I have no time to read it several times to slowly grasp the concepts... Will have to do away with it, and hope for the best...

Can't believe I slacked my Saturday away... Oh well... Recently hooked on reading "Romance of the Three Kingdoms" online... Am at Chap 91 now! Woohoo... Liu Bei, Cao Cao have died, and so have Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, Huang Zhong. Well, the story puts us in the Shu kingdom perspective, so naturally, readers feel more inclined towards Shu. Haha... Me? I don't exactly know which side I stand on. Definitely I admire Zhuge Liang; he's a genius. But there are good sides to Wei and Wu as well, as they too boast of capable military strategists and bold warriors. Matter of perspective and preference, really...

Oh ya, the online version is in English, and NOT Chinese. It would take me 10 years to finish the whole novel in Chinese. Haha... Can't believe Qiulin thought it was in Chinese. I am really flattered leh... Hehehe... Rayner, reading Chinese?? I can't even bring myself to finish reading a short article in the Chinese newspaper leh... How to read a novel??? Hahaha...

Gonna head back hall tonight, after dinner... Then stay over the next weekend... Hopefully I will study. Shall probably head down to NBS reading room with Yung when I get back later. Seriously needa study. AA 201 is my bane, I know it. And it's taking hell lot of studying time off me. But yet, I don't wanna study 201 at the expense of the rest, knowing there is no chance I can grab anything better than a C grade for it. It's more of weighing the relative importance now, and assigning of time to cover each module. Clock ticking, books untouched, and with a distracted mind... Haha...

All I can say is... Good Luck to Me!!! hiakz

Reflections II

2005-04-16T03:27:00.000+08:00

Just felt like typing something... Was browsing through friends' blogs again. CBQ getting married... wow... steady la bro! Haha... Another one of my friends gonna tie the knot. Hehe... Looking forward to wedding dinner, so we can propose a toast to the groom!! And will there be bachelor parties?? Haha... Of cos, Han is not invited; cos you know, I know... Haha... Thank goodness he doesn't read blogs... Hiakz

Well... So much so for the day. I took my GE exam, and managed to finish it. Wrote hell lotsa stuff, despite not studying. Guess all I had was the ability to bullshit, and very darn well for that matter! Haha... Building castles in the air. Then evening with to Orchard with my buddy Kailun and blur ger Qiulin (haha, opps!). The cockster Kailun machiam a secretary, looking at Bday present for his friend's gf... What the heck... Me and Qiulin concluded that Charles could treat him to Swensen's Secretary Meal next week!! Haha... How apt!

It's damn sianz... Did no studying for the whole of friday, except sitting for my exam. Sigh... With this kind of slack attitude, will it be adequate for a decent grade? I don't ask for 'A's, just that I hope to see more 'B's than 'C's and no more 'D's... Possible? Maybe... I shall try.

Suddenly, I feel elated... Don't know why. Looking forward to the end of the exams. Can't say I have concrete plans, I at least I know what I am planning to do... =) It's a major driving force for me now. Hehe... Holidays sound so tempting, but there's no one to go with me. So stuck in Spore. Shall hope to get a job in DFS in Changi Airport, if my cousin gets in... Then woohoo... Shiok!

Smoking a lot! Sheesh... Like a damn chimney. Yesterday at JP coffeebean with Kailun, we each smoked 8 sticks in a timespan of about 1 hr 15 min. Crap. And before that, we had 2 sticks each as well... And later in the night, another 2 more. Biangz... Plus I had 3 alone... That totals 15 for me... I'm just killing myself. Shall try to cut down, and then stop. I still aspire to run for road relay, and better my 7min14s timing clocked this year. Smokes are definitely not gonna help!

Ok... Guess I've kinda moved on from my melancholic disposition. I seem to recover faster now. Was a whole wreck prior to this. I even contemplated the idea of 'full disclosure', haha... Application of my pathetic AA 201 knowledge. But I know, it will just agonise everyone of us. So, perhaps, I had made the right choice and put everything aside. Since, right now... =)

Yep, a pretty lengthy post. And a whole contrasting attitude from the previous. Haha... No, I do not have mood swings, just that my posts more or less represent my inner feelings. Consider it the intangible made material... Haha... Right! Enough crap. *Yawns* Time for bed...

Reflections

2005-04-14T03:15:00.000+08:00

Was browsing through friends' blogs, and came across Huimin's... Her recent post struck a very deep chord within my heart... The following is an extract (ok, a rip-off from her blog... =P)

Well it might seem a little extreme to some, but I do appreciate the person's thought of how it is "showing respect" to a relationship when you refrain from getting "overly close" to an attached person.

The person doesn't really define what he/she means by "overly close", but for me,that probably means,

calling the attached girl/guy whenever you have a problem (which I have heard of in some cases),

always taking the attached girl/guy out and paying for her/his meals (which I also have heard of),

messaging the attached girl/guy sweet nothings and calling the person sweet nicknames (which I have heard of too),

having physical contact with the attached girl/guy (which I have seen, including sharing drinks, feeding the person food, putting an arm over him/her etc),

and a whole lot of others that I can think of, but can't be bothered to write. (If you have other good examples, do Tag me!)

Sidetrack: Actually I think its worse if an attached person does that to a non-attached person, or even worse, to an attached person, but we shall not drift off from our topic today of a non-attached person spoiling a relationship.

Hmmm, overly close... Well, I don't really know the boundaries. It all seems so familiar... Maybe we were just fooling around then. But, who's to judge? I mean, the definition is really arbitrary I guess. I am not flirting for sure; I know the boundaries are there for a reason.

I know of some people who carry the "Romantalistic" notion that if you REALLY like a person, you should go for it, regardless of the status of that person. I also know some people who feel that the guy/girl will be "better off with them than with the other person", and thus go all out to get that guy/girl.

For me, a relationship is something special that is shared between two people, and that is the path that these two people have chosen for themselves. Therefore, an "outsider" really has no right to decide that they will be "better" for the person.

As for a person really like that attached person, I think it is really all about having the right mindset when you interact with the person.

In my ideal world, everyone should know their limits. If you know the person is already attached, yes you can build a friendship, but all relations should stop at that friendship. You should not even allow the relation to progress to such a stage where you can actually think about having a bf/gf type of relationship.

That is, simply, respect for your friend, and his/her relationship.

Now there, another issue, very damn applicable again... I seem to identify with this whole post... And it appears that this happens to often for me. However, I do have principles. And I believe not causing pain or hurt to that person you like, if it means that I have to bear the burden all by myself. It's a terrible feeling, locking your feelings within that little black box you keep deep down inside your heart. You bury it, and try to forget it; hopefully, someday, it will just fade away. Easier said than done, but I've managed to do that before. Likewise, I have to repress it again now.

I gave it some thought before... If I should just lay the cards on the table, await the verdict; gratification or condemnation, it's but a very thin line. But I know I daren't, and so lies the path of repression. And i know time will take my mind of it...

I'm feeling better now... Concentrating on studying for exams, and striving to do my best. Recently also struck up a new acquaintance! Haha, though we didn't start off exactly that well... But, nice to know more people... Hehe... Glad that things are brightening up. Had a delightful dinner this evening (ok, last evening, seeing it's past 3am), and I've got great buddies around me.

Moving on... =)

Messed up life...

2005-04-12T23:30:00.000+08:00

What's in for me now?

Rejected by KPMG in my application for internship. So behind time for all my modules, except Taxation, I think... Smoked too much during the past few weeks, for what reasons I think are pretty obvious... And I sense great peril for this coming exams... Haiz... Not to mention the heart rending news I got to so happened to overhear 2 weeks ago. All that, coupled with a dejected soul, leaves little room for solace and peace.

When I study, I realise nothing much gets in, especially when reading AA201 stuff... It's so boring and technical, it makes me wanna sleep. Not to mention I haven't touched my AC213, which is IT!!! Oh crap... So much for exams... Only a miracle can save me now...

This year hasn't been exactly smooth sailing... That explains my blunt header for this post. I can't seem to find any achievement of mine to be proud of, except of course, running my personal best for Road Relay, and being part of the contributing members to the 2nd placing. Other than that, is there any other cause for elation?

Well, just received a postcard from my friend who's on a missionary trip aboard the ship Doulos now... When she sent the card, she was docked at Egypt. How cool! That was on 26 Feb; can't believe the postcard took 1 and a half months to get to me... Oh well, she's taken up a really huge step in life, embarking on this trip in her endeavours to serve God wholeheartly. I must say she's really committed, and it certainly takes a lot of strength for to choose this path. It will be 2 years of her time, during which of course, she could be working and earning money, and spending time with her family and loved ones. Instead, she decided to take up this challenge, which in my opinion, is really commendable and praiseworthy. I shall write to her soon, I guess... Give whatever little support I can offer! Haha...

"Sometimes you can't make it on your own"

2005-04-08T22:30:00.000+08:00

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I really think it's true... Sometimes you just can't make it on your own... And I know...

What next?

2005-04-06T02:49:00.000+08:00

There's no chance, and I know... In such a situation thus fixed, there leaves me little room to endeavour. Perhaps, it was just another one of my dreams; I dream so much, I sometimes can't even tell reality from the fantastic... How I wish the dream would come true. It was so close, yet so far; and now it has gone into the boundaries of obscurity. I am lost, wanting in affection, and empty within...

Dare I take that approach, give it one shot; do or die... But I already know the answer, as the game has long been concluded. In fact, no game came to pass... I simply let the opportunity slip, and it was chance for another's taking...

I may have taken some steps to appease myself... Trying to let go of what feelings of dejection I may have... That fateful day, during lunch, when I got to know about it... It broke my heart, and I was doing my best to appear strong and nonchalant... And hence, I turn to other avenues of solace...

Guess I am a jerk... I don't know... Maybe a creep, an asshole... Serves me right for my solitary loneliness... It's retribution I know, for the bad things I have done before... Fate chose to smite me, deprive my soul of emotional gratification, and it has succeeded... What next?

A feeling so lost...

2005-04-01T03:02:00.000+08:00

When the blossoms spring to life in a flower
Under the bright sunshine in a lustrous summer
The birds perched in a couple on a tree
Chirping and caroling in a mood of glee

Whilst my forlorn soul reckons with the truth
How can it ever make me say sooth?
As I gloom over my love thus lost
On the trust in fate I pledge that cost

Sorrows drown my faculties to self inflicting pain
I see a light which my heart can never gain
Why do I suffer so, when all do prosper?
I bear not the courage to maintain this sober

Pray, take me away and end this dreadful dream
As for years I have battled and vanquished, it would seem
Time crept up to form my greatest adversity
And brought me anguish towards this calamity

She is lost to my ever devoted affections
All but wanting in my sincere expressions
If I could only reach out and show her thus
I know, with tender care and trust, it shall last.

Why the inaction, I ask myself...

2005-03-30T05:49:00.000+08:00

For 3 months, I have been procrastinating... Dare I express myself, should I take that step... And time flies, really... Friends have been telling me to go for it, take a chance and see the outcome... It's very tempting, and I know I would like to know how it would turn out too...

But I daren't...

There still exists some reservations within me... Probably for fear of rejection, and I know I might never handle it well. Yet, who knows, I could take it in my stride, and treat it as if nothing had happened. Well, truth is, I don't know... I like the status quo, how we are right now, but I yearn for more, yet fear the reckoning...

So I wait...

I employ my faculties to other means... I take on a wreckage of my life... Drinking and smoking on a regular basis, I know I am just on a self torture rampage... I don't turn down my friends when they ask me out for a drink, nor refuse a smoke during a casual chat. It's second nature to me...

And I falter...

At the prospect of losing to another, even though I am not sure... I daren't probe, for fear of the truth, but deep down inside I know that all is not lost... But I always see the worst scenario, and the pessimist in me drags my heart along...

It's all a matter of perspective, really...

Moving on with trepidation of the days ahead

2005-03-29T04:03:00.000+08:00

3 more weeks before my first core module exam... The pressure is building up, no doubt... Sigh... And I have a taxation quiz this friday on all topics covered - very very very taxing... Haha... Furthermore, with my IS project due next friday, I have another big baby to worry about, given that we have only just started... And yah, 201 presentation on thursday... How crappy...

Oh my, the endless worries in my school life...

Gotta start mugging for exams already... Being so behind time, I really do have a lot of catching up to do. Stealing away some time from my books and notes to blog... Guess I won't be spending so much time in hall, as I'll be studying in NBS reading room... Hopefully, I can do better this semester. Hopefully...

Hopefully, my other troubles will ease off eventually too... Oh, to be carefree like how I was in the past...